


Voice

by sirius17black



Category: GOT7, K-pop, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Love Triangles, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suspense, Thriller, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 30,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirius17black/pseuds/sirius17black
Summary: Hyungwon can’t fall in love, he shouldn’t fall in love. And Alexander would do everything in order to prevent that from happening.





	1. BOOK COVER

**Author's Note:**

> To my fellow hyungwonho shippers, stay strong and brave


	2. AUTHOR'S NOTE

            I have always been interested in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and all of the mental disorders for that matter. But I never thought that this curiosity would lead me to write a book of my own. I always write, but most of the time, they would be essays and poems. But there is a part of me that has always dreamed of writing a book and to be able to publish it, someday. Maybe, this is because I am also a bookworm myself. But then again, this dream wouldn’t have existed if I was not inspired by Colleen Hoover, one of my favorite authors, who only started to write for her friends for “fun” but is now a New York Times bestselling author. Of course, I’m not expecting this to become big or anything. I’m also doing this just for fun and writes for my fellow hyungwonho shippers, whom I believe are also my friends.

             I’ve contemplated hard whether to put this author’s note at the beginning or the end of the story. Because putting it at the beginning would somehow “spoil” the readers. But I know writing a book about mental health can be a sensitive topic, that’s why I’ve prepared for days or even for weeks before starting to write this book. I researched from different websites, articles, and books for me to understand further what it’s like to live with “multiple personalities” and the myths and stigma that comes with it. I have to read everything that I can find that relates to DID to portray the character not only of Hyungwon but also of Alexander, properly.

            **This note also serves as a trigger warning for verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, that may not be suitable for some readers. I would try to filter my description as much as possible so you wouldn't worry too much and just enjoy the story.** **😊**

 

To learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder click [here](https://www.google.com.ph/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=15&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiExMCI0ZzhAhWELY8KHa3gAC8QFjAOegQIABAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.webmd.com%2Fmental-health%2Fdissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder&usg=AOvVaw1F17r6Ay2PtEnmGGwbdt1n)

And if you’re struggling with mental health problems you can call someone [here](https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources)

And of course, if you want to talk to someone you can always message me [here](https://sirius17black.tumblr.com/ask)


	3. Being Normal

He glances at the clock at his wall and read that it's already past midnight. He's been studying all night for his upcoming test even if it's still Friday and his test is not until Monday, morning.

Many people think that he is a nerd who always gets good grades and has zero friends. But he knows better. Well, that comment about having no friends may be true. But he knows that no matter how hard he tries; he will always end up forgetting most of the topics he studied for as soon as the proctor gave him the test paper.

“Stupid brain.” He muttered.

"Hyungwon?" Shownu asked as he knocked and peeked inside the younger boy's room.

"Yes." He replied. And heard the older boy sigh in relief.

Hyungwon smiles to himself.

In the past, he would always find it annoying how his hyung would always do that. But as time goes by, he came to understand where the older boy is coming from and even finds it funny sometimes but never dares to tease Shownu about it.

_I know better._

"-check you but... Hey, are you listening to me?" Shownu continued.

"W-what?" He replied.

_Great. I spaced out again._

Shownu sighs but not because he was relieved this time.

"Sorry." The younger boy said while lowering his head in shame.

"No, it's okay. I just said that I'm here to check if you're already sleeping. But why are you still awake? It's already past midnight." Shownu replied calmly.

"I was studying for my upcoming test and was about to go to sleep." He stated.

_But we both know better._

Shownu sighs again because they both knew what they were thinking, "Just don't tire yourself too much, okay? I'm just in my room if you need anything."

"Yes, hyung."

Shownu turned his back and was about to close the door when Hyungwon called him again, "Hyung?"

"Hmm?" The older boy replied.

"Thank you." He said.

Shownu just gave him a sweet tight lip smile before closing the door all the way.

Hyungwon was hit by the sudden silence and the feeling of loneliness as soon as he heard the door shut. He's alone again.

_~~Not really.~~ _

“Shut up.” He muttered.

He stretches his body but felt the ache in his lower back as soon as he stood up from his chair, because of sitting, all night.

He felt the need to sigh, too.

If he's just liked any other student, he is probably at one of his friend's house right now, drinking and partying all night. If he's just a normal student, he probably doesn't need to study now for a simple test that is still three days away. If he's just liked any other person, he doesn't have to be this way. If only he's a normal person... maybe, just maybe, he has someone whom he can call his.

_~~Enough.~~ _

Hyungwon was shaken from his trance and somehow finds himself inside the bathroom already in the middle of brushing his teeth. He really needs to stop spacing out but he noticed that he's doing it again too often.

“It's dangerous.” He told himself.

He immediately finished brushing his teeth then proceeds with washing his face. And then, changed into comfortable clothes before lying in bed.

"Please just let me sleep for tonight." He pleads as he lays down. Then close his eyes and pleads some more.


	4. Just Typical

The sound of the blaring music inside the house is loud enough to make the people go deaf. But no one seems to care. People dance; shaking and grinding their bodies against each other, drinking and smoking like there is no tomorrow. A typical Friday night to almost every student in the university.

“Typical.” He muttered as he observes people dance while he also sits in one of the couches holding a bottle of beer in hand.

"WONHO!" Minhyuk screamed loudly against his ear so he can be heard through the music. But if Wonho's being honest, loud music is not only the time his friend can be this loud.

"WHAT?!" He screams back.

"HAVE YOU SEEN JOOHEON? I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR HIM FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES!" The other boy replied.

"He's probably just with Changkyun, making out at the back" He didn't say it out loud on purpose but the way Minhyuk's expression had changed meant he heard what he said.

He must be feeling sorry right now but he felt annoyed, instead.

_Why screamed that loud against another person's ear if you can clearly hear me with my normal voice? Isn't the deafening music enough?_

But he knows he can't resist seeing Minhyuk sad, so he reached out his hand and comforts the other boy who is now close to tears.

Minhyuk has been secretly in love with Jooheon, their other friend, for over a year now. Unfortunately, the younger boy is with another guy named, Changkyun. But honestly, Wonho can't blame Jooheon for being with Changkyun, the boy is cool... and sexy.

"I'm sorry," He said against the blond boy's ear but it's a whisper this time. "I'll help you find him, okay? Let's go." He continued softly, while he leads the way and pushes through into the sea of people at the center of the living room.

Soon enough, they found Jooheon and Changkyun in the kitchen, gladly, not making out. Instead, they are accompanied by a small, red-haired boy and they are laughing loudly, maybe, with a little influence of alcohol in their hands.

"Hey!" Minhyuk greeted a little too cheerfully than what he actually feels. He proceeds with hugging each and every one of them including the red-haired guy he doesn't even know.

_Typical Minhyuk._

"Hi." Wonho greeted too. But just shakes everyone's hands, instead. Maybe, he's not in the party mode after all. And he's afraid that he's making it too obvious.

_Well, I’m not as good as Minhyuk when it comes to hiding my feelings, am I?_

"Hey, guys." Jooheon and Changkyun greeted back.

"Wonho-hyung, Minhyuk-hyung, meet Kihyun-hyung, he's Changkyun's best friend,

Kihyun-hyung, this is Wonho-hyung and Minhyuk-hyung my best bros." Jooheon continued.

The red-haired guy, who was introduced as Kihyun, smiles again, shook their hands and patted their backs.

"Wow, your hair looks like a breaded spicy chicken!" Minhyuk gasps dramatically as if he just realized it for the first time before he hugged him a few minutes ago.

"Yeah, and you seem like a really loud and annoying person!" Kihyun counters back.

Wonho's eyes had widened when he heard the small guy's comment, but he must be the only one worried. Because a few seconds later, the four of the other boys broke into fits of laughter. And Minhyuk, who's just close to tears a moment ago, has tears in his eyes again not because he's sad but because he's laughing way too hard.

Wonho stares at them in disbelief.

 _Alcohol._ He thought then shakes his head mockingly.

Or maybe, he shouldn't be mocking them and get drunk, as well. Because despite being surrounded by a bunch of people and with the sound of loud music as their background. He still feels lonelier than ever.

_But that's just typical._


	5. Oddly Familiar

Hyungwon gets on the bus heavy-eyed. He didn't get any sleep last night, but that's not unusual to him.

Some people may think that after a few nights lying awake, sleep would eventually come. It would be the only option. Some people may think staying awake repeatedly would mean the body and mind would crave sleep, eventually.

_But it doesn't work like that._

It's a circle of frustrated exhaustion. The lack of sleep wears him down and is a major trigger of migraines. And those five or six sleepless hours are the worst! He just tosses and turns his body on the bed, lying awake until the sun comes up again while carefully trying to make sure he won't wake up Shownu in the process.

It's been an everyday struggle that he even considered taking medicated sleep, at some point. Medicated sleep is not a good sleep, but at least it is some sleep. He just hopes that one day he'll finally get to have a 'normal' sleep as any other person would have.

 _When will that ever happen?_ He sighs at the thought.

He looks out the window and saw a few droplets of water starts to pour down.

He smiles.

Some people would feel sad and gloomy whenever it rains but not Hyungwon. He likes it when it rains. The sound they produce as they hit the buildings and pavements, somehow distracts him from _his_ thoughts.

"It's raining again." A guy sitting beside him suddenly said.

Hyungwon didn't respond because he was not sure if the guy talked to him or was just trying to state a fact to himself.

"I don't like it when it rains." The guy stated again.

The guy, who is sitting beside him, is probably older than him but he’s still around Hyungwon’s age. He has black hair and dark brown eyes. He also has an innocent look on his face despite having big shoulders and muscles.

Hyungwon had the sudden urge to touch them.

_~~What?~~ _

"Why is that?" Hyungwon asked instead of doing what he wanted to do.

The guy gave him a confused look before realizing what he meant. "Ah, so you like it when it rains?" He said with an amused tone in his voice.

Hyungwon just gave an innocent nod to the guy as an answer because he saw that he already arrived at his destination. So, he stood up and stepped down the bus, then run towards the waiting shed.

"I thought you like the rain?" A boy called out. It was the same guy from the bus earlier.

 _So, he is also a student here._ Hyungwon thought.

"Yes." The black-haired boy said.

"What?" Hyungwon asked confused.

"You just said that out loud." The stranger clarifies, then chuckles.

Hyungwon blushes.

"So, do you like the rain that much that's why you don't bring an umbrella with you, anymore?" The guy teased.

Hyungwon doesn't know why but he blushed again.

"Do you want to share?" The black-haired guy offers now. "You're also going to that school, right?" He continued, then points at the university that is not far from where they are standing.

"Yes." Hyungwon simply replied, then blushes some more.

 _Stop blushing!_ He scolds himself.

The older boy suddenly put his arms around Hyungwon's shoulder. But the gesture made the younger boy flinched.

"Sorry." The black-haired guy apologizes then quickly let go when he noticed that he somehow made Hyungwon uncomfortable at the touch. "I just thought that we should get closer if you don't want us to get wet." The guy explains.

"Umm... If you're feeling uncomfortable, I guess just try to stay close to me." The guy added hesitantly.

Hyungwon just nods to the boy and did what he was told.

The entire walk towards the university was quiet. But it was neither awkward nor comfortable.

_Rather, it felt familiar._

"We are here." The stranger stated when they finally reached the main building of their school.

Hyungwon faces the guy to say thank you but was cut short when he noticed that the right side of the guy's shoulder had become wet, while Hyungwon's entire body is completely dry.

"Oh no! You’re soaked!" Hyungwon said feeling guilty while he tries to shake some water off of the guy's shoulder.

"Sorry." He said blushing, yet again, when he realized that he just touched the guy.

 _But it's totally normal, right? I just felt sorry for the guy. It's not weird to suddenly touch a stranger who helped you._ Hyungwon tries to reason out to himself.

"It's okay. Here," The guy said while giving his own umbrella to Hyungwon. "I don't want you to start hating the rain when you get all wet and catch a cold because you don't have an umbrella with you." The guy continued, then smiles sweetly at Hyungwon.

"What about you?" Hyungwon asked.

"Nah, I already hate the rain. Besides, my room is just around here." The guy said coolly, then turns around going the opposite side of where Hyungwon is heading before the younger boy can even argue.

"THANK YOU! I WILL MAKE SURE TO GIVE IT BACK TO YOU!" Hyungwon tried to scream but he wasn't sure if the guy heard him, because the guy just continued walking and never looked back.

Hyungwon doesn't know why but at that moment, he decided to like the rain even more.  


 


	6. Somewhat Similar

Wonho feels stupid.

And it's getting worse by the second as he's trying to recall what happened this morning.

He was so nervous during the entire walk to the university, with the tall guy he met on the bus, that he just kept quiet the entire time they were together. Then, he tried so hard to act cool as they separated ways that he forgot to asked for the guy's name.

_Stupid, indeed._

Usually, he has no problems with starting a conversation with a stranger. Especially if that person is a _cute_ stranger. But after the incident of making the tall guy uncomfortable for suddenly touching him, he became afraid to ruin the guy's impression of him again. So Wonho became cautious in approaching him. He even made sure that the guy hasn't gotten even a tiny droplet of water, even though a portion of his own body got soaked by the heavy rain. Now, he just hopes that the guy would keep his promise and finds Wonho to bring back the umbrella.

Yes, he heard the guy screamed that but he still didn't look back because, as he said, he was trying to act cool.

 _Just pure genius._ He said to himself sarcastically.

Wonho was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't immediately notice that he already arrived in the school cafeteria and the person he's going to grab lunch with had already called for him to sit on the table.

"Hey, Shownu." Wonho greeted.

"What were you thinking, just now? I've been trying to get your attention for quite a while." Shownu said. "Or was that supposed to be a _Who_?" He added teasingly.

Wonho just shrugs at his friend and didn't bother to answer.

Wonho and Shownu were assigned to be project partners in one of their classes and decided to talk about their plans for it over lunch. But they are already pretty close, before this, because they knew each other since they were freshmen. And they even eat together from time to time, since Minhyuk and Jooheon have different majors.

"I'm just having regrets with my life." He finally responds when he noticed that Shownu is looking at him expectantly.

Shownu must have noticed that he's not in the mood to talk because he didn't question him after that and just continued eating in comfortable silence. But they did start talking about their plans for their project after a while. And after some time, they got up and walked to get to their next class.

As they were walking through the school corridors, Shownu suddenly stops on his tracks then said, "Hyungwon?"

Wonho gave him a confused look and trace where his friend is looking at. That's when he saw two guys that are both familiar to him. They are kneeling at the corridor, outside their room, while both of their arms are raised in the air.

The first guy is Kihyun, the small, red-haired guy at the party he attended last Friday. And the second one is _him._ The tall handsome guy he met on the bus, earlier.

Shownu approaches the two, then asked why they are being punished.

Kihyun was the first one to answer, clearly thinking that he was a victim of the situation, based on the tone of his voice and by the way he's glaring at the taller guy beside him.

"Our professor, send us out here. So, _we can reflect on our mistake_!" He said while putting emphasis on the last sentence by quoting the words with his fingers as he goes on. "I mean, why do this? We're not even high school students, anymore!" He further argues.

"So, what exactly did you do to deserve a high schooler punishment?" Wonho asked with an amused tone in his voice.

He noticed that Hyungwon, or so what Shownu calls him, lifted his head at the sound of Wonho's voice and the younger boy's eyes widened when he had confirmed that it was really him that did talk. Then, he lowers his head again almost immediately.

"He said he studied since Friday, but five minutes into the exam, he's already asking _me_ what the answer is, on number one!" Kihyun was the one to answer again.

"Hyungwon, is this true?" Shownu said the concern in his voice and his face can clearly be heard and seen.

"Yes," Hyungwon responds and lowers his head further in shame.

Shownu knelt in front of Hyungwon and cupped the younger boy's cheeks with his hand. But Hyungwon didn't flinch this time and even leaned into the touch.

Something inside Wonho broke.

_Am I seriously being jealous, right now?_

"You did study, though," Shownu said, in almost a whisper and with sadness in his eyes. "Don't worry, I'll talk to your professor. I'll make him understand." He continued, then stand up.

The two of the older boys bid their goodbyes and started to walk again. But this time Wonho did look back and he met Hyungwon's eyes again.

And saw something in his eyes he has seen before.

 _He's just like me._ Wonho thought.

But he didn't have the courage to asked the younger boy about it. Instead, he just chose to walk away and catch up with Shownu because they somehow managed to be late for their next lecture.

The rest of the day came by fast and uneventful after that. And despite the sudden jealousy and the weird connection he felt towards the taller guy, earlier. Wonho can't help but smile to himself because he got the information he was looking for,

_His name is Hyungwon._


	7. Apparently Not

Saying that Hyungwon is embarrassed is an understatement. He's overwhelmed with emotions, right now. He just wants to be swallowed by the Earth.

_~~Not that he can't hide differently.~~ _

He's scared that Kihyun would stop befriending him after this. He also hates himself for being such a burden to Shownu. And, of course, he's so ashamed to meet the black-haired guy again in a situation like that.

So yes, he is _beyond_ embarrassed.

He still can't even look at Kihyun, even though he already tried to appease the shorter boy with lunch. And even though the professor already agreed to let them retake the exam.

Kihyun is the only person in school to ever approached him, and treat him as a friend. And if Kihyun plans to avoid Hyungwon soon, he would literally end up with having no friends at all.

But apparently, the shorter boy is planning something different.

"So, who was that guy earlier?" Kihyun tried to ask casually but he's obviously interested about _that_ guy.

"Which one?" Hyungwon asked.

"Well, I already met Wonho-hyung last Friday so the other one." Trying so hard to make sure that his pitch wouldn't appear to be excited than normal, it's almost laughable.

"You know him?" It's Hyungwon's turn to be interested now.

"Which one?" Kihyun asked confused.

"The name you mentioned earlier! Won...ho?" Hyungwon answered.

"Oh him, yeah. I met him at the party last Friday and his friends with...

Hey! I was the first one to ask!" The shorter guy suddenly retorts when he realized the shift in the conversation.

Hyungwon chuckles and said, "His name is Hyunwoo, but the people close to him calls him Shownu."

"What do you call him?"

"Shownu-hyung."

"You're close, then?"

"Yes. We live together." Hyungwon stated casually, but his answer was enough for his friend to choke on the water he's drinking.

Hyungwon chuckles again.

"How come I didn't know that?" Kihyun asked again.

Hyungwon shrugs and said, "You never asked me."

"Are you interested in him?" Hyungwon said after a moment. Practically, making his friend choke on his drink again.

Hyungwon laughs, obviously enjoying the situation.

"Don't say something like that when I'm drinking!" Kihyun said, not even bothering to deny the fact that he's interested in the older boy.

"So, do you two live together? Alone..." The shorter guys asked curiously, clearly, already letting go of his pride.

This causes Hyungwon to laughed out loud.

\-----

Hyungwon slumps in one of the couches in the living room together with his backpack. He's physically and emotionally drained today.

He noticed that his hyung is not yet around, as he begins to take in his surroundings. But there is nothing new to that by now.

Shownu has been going home late since the semester began. It's his last year in the university as an engineering student and he's busier than ever, with all the units that he needs to pass.

_This is why I should try to stop being a burden._

He stood up deciding to go to the kitchen to prepare dinner instead of taking a nap.

_~~He wouldn't be able to, anyway.~~ _

He entered the kitchen lazily and headed towards the kitchen cabinet where he saw that there was ramen at the top shelf. He reached it out because that's the only thing he can cook. And brought the other ingredients that he would add to it later on.

He heard a knock on the door that caused him to be shaken awaked.

_What? I’m sitting on the sofa... watching tv..._

There was a knock at the door again. He looks at the clock and read that it's already past eight in the evening.

 _How long have I been out?_ He thought.

Then he sighed and stood up and walked towards the door, opening it, knowing that it's Shownu coming home from school and probably forgot to take his keys with him again.

"Hyungwon?" Shownu greeted.

"Yes." Hyungwon responded as he enters the kitchen.

He saw that the ramen was now soggy for being long forgotten.

 _At least I didn't accidentally burn down the apartment today._ He scoffed to himself.

"You cooked ramen?" Shownu asked him after settling down on the chair next to the younger boy.

"Apparently." Hyungwon answered.

Shownu must not have noticed the wariness at the younger boy's voice because he continued to asked, "I saw that the tv was turned on. Were you watching, too?"

"Apparently." Hyungwon replied again, his voice breaking.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Shownu asked suddenly concerned. He stood up and reached out to pulled Hyungwon into a hug.

"I can't remember that I've finished cooking it nor do I remember turning on the television." Hyungwon cried in the older guy's shoulder.

He should be used to it by now. But it still scares and shocks him every time it happens.

"Shhh. It's okay. You're safe now." Shownu said in a soothing voice in an effort to calm the younger boy in his arms. "Do you want me to cook you some deep-fried shrimp? I know it would help you feel better." Shownu continues, then smiles at him.

As much as he wants to refuse the older boy's offer, he knows that he needs it to calm down. And as much as he wants to stop being a burden to the older boy, he knows that it won't happen in an instant.

And apparently, that's not today.

\-----

"Hyungwon?" Shownu called out from the other side of the door.

"Yes." The younger boy replied.

Hyungwon has now changed into comfortable clothes and is calmer now. He gets out of his room and goes straight to the kitchen.

"Dinner is ready. Come here and sit." Shownu invited.

"Wow! This looks delicious! Thanks, hyung!" He complimented cheerfully so Shownu would be at ease somehow.

But Shownu must already have known what the younger boy is trying to do. Because he just smiled at him and continues to eat in silence. After a while he speaks, "So, remember that guy I was with earlier?"

Hyungwon looks up from his plate not even trying to hide his interest.

"Yes." He replied a little enthusiastically than what is needed.

"Well, he's my partner in a project this semester and we're going to start doing it next week. I was wondering if it would just be okay with you if we will do it here?" Shownu asked.

Shownu knows that Hyungwon is not comfortable being around new people, that's why he was quite shocked when the younger boy agreed immediately. And if Hyungwon is being honest, he was shocked by how easily he responded too.

"Are you sure?" Shownu asked again worriedly.

"Yes, hyung I'm sure." Hyungwon replied with a smile on his face.

Denying to himself that the reason why he agreed has nothing to do with Wonho but because he knows that being a graduating student can be hard and he doesn't want to add up to Shownu's problems.

But apparently, that's not really the case.


	8. Further Away

Wonho keeps fumbling his fingers, in an effort to get the nervousness out of his system.

It's already been a week since he first met Hyungwon but the younger boy never left his mind.

And he's now feeling agitated as he's now at the front door of Shownu's apartment and already knocked the door, twice. It would just be a matter of time before the door will open.

 _God, he's beautiful._ Wonho said at the back of his mind when he saw who finally opened the door.

"Hi. Come on in." Hyungwon said and opens the door further to let Wonho in. "Hyung is just taking a shower, he will be out in a minute. You can sit on the sofa over there while waiting." He continued with a smile.

"Okay." Wonho replies as he takes his sit.

He noticed that the younger boy had followed him and took a sit, as well. He doesn't really know what to say so he just keeps stealing glances at Hyungwon, from time to time, and just smiles at the boy whenever he gets caught.

_This is more awkward than when we first met._

He was about to say that to the younger boy to create a conversation, but then, Shownu suddenly came out of his room and is ready to start.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Shownu apologized to him.

"No, I just got here myself." He replied.

"Um... I'll just be in my room, hyung." Hyungwon said standing up.

"Oh, okay. Just tell me if you need anything." Shownu said to the younger boy.

Hyungwon just nods his head and turns around. And Wonho can't help but feel more disappointed as the younger boy walks further away from them.

\----

The next three hours were the most boring time Wonho has ever experienced. Shownu just keeps talking about their project and how it should be accomplished.

But, at least, he still got to see the younger boy again, twice. First, when he got out of his room because he went to use the bathroom. And the second time, when he got out of the bathroom and went back to his room.

Wonho let out a deep sigh.

"Do you want to take a break?" Shownu asked, chuckling.

"Yes, please." Wonho replied, blushing a little.

"Alright then. It's dinner time soon, anyway. I'll just prepare our dinner while you take a break and we'll eat afterward." Shownu said. Then, stood up and goes to the kitchen.

 _Dinner time. It means I’ll get to eat with Hyungwon._ Wonho thought and smiles to himself.

\----

The three boys are now sitting comfortably in the kitchen, eating the food that Shownu has prepared them.

"So, how did you two, meet?" Wonho decided to finally ask.

The other two boys look at each other but didn't dare to respond.

Wonho did notice the tension and awkwardness but he still continues to look at them expectantly.

He is just that curious.

"We were childhood friends." Shownu simply stated after a while but didn't elaborate further.

"Oh, really?" Wonho said. "Minhyuk and I are childhood friends too. Well, not really, since we started being friends when we were already fifteen but still." He smiles then continues to eat again.

Wonho can't help but stare at the plate of Hyungwon. Because what the younger boy doesn't eat from his plate, Shownu gets them and eat them himself.

"How long have you been living together?" Wonho asked again so he can distract himself from the jealousy he's feeling.

Shownu was the one to answer again, "When Hyungwon turned eighteen. So, three years ago."

"Wow. That's a really long time ago." Wonho said. "Didn't you encounter any problems? Like... sexually?"

Wonho's question caused the younger boy to choke on his food. And Wonho immediately grabs the glass of water beside him, but Shownu did the same, too. So, now, they are in an awkward situation where the two older boys are offering Hyungwon with water and he's going to just choose one of them.

But Wonho chose to just laugh it off and withdraw the glass to just drink it, instead.

"I think I'll just go." Wonho said after he finished drinking. "I'm really tired now. So, I'll just see you tomorrow at school?" He spoke directly at Shownu then stood up and gets ready to leave.

"Are you sure? I can take you to the bus station if you want." Shownu offers.

"Nah, I'm fine. Besides, free dinner was enough of a bother to you." Wonho refuses casually.

Wonho stepped out of the house and bids them goodbye once again.

But, as he was walking in their neighborhood, a few minutes later, the rain had suddenly poured down.

He just sighs and continued walking because he really doesn't have the energy to run to avoid the rain. But, just like how sudden the rain had come, he noticed that a boy is now standing beside him and he's not getting wet, anymore.

"What are you doing here?" Wonho asked, shocked.

"I don't what you to hate the rain any further." Hyungwon replied with a smile. "And I'm here to bring back your umbrella."

"Sorry if I made you uncomfortable with what I said, earlier." Wonho said. They are now on their way to the bus station and the rain is still pouring above them.

Hyungwon just smiles at him.

"We're not together you know?" Hyungwon said again after a while.

"What?" Wonho asked, confused.

"I know you think that the two of us are probably together because of how Shownu-hyung cares for me. But we're not." Hyungwon clarified.

Wonho can't help but blush. _Was I really that obvious?_ He thought.

"Not really." Hyungwon replies.

"What?" Wonho asked again, confused.

"You just said that out loud." Hyungwon clarified again.

They can't help but laugh and think of the time they first met.

"I'm just used to people who keep thinking that way because of how Shownu-hyung treats me." He explains again. "But hyung is more like a brother to me. He's the only family I've got." Hyungwon added.

"But I don't want to be just like any other people." Wonho said in almost a whisper.

But Hyungwon heard him. And it's now his turn to be confused, "What?"

Before Wonho can think of a better excuse for what he just said, he decided to continue.

"I know that we just met and it's crazy for me to feel this way," Wonho says slowly. "But since I met you... I kept thinking of you. And when I see you... I literally get speechless. My heart just keeps...pounding and I get butterflies all over my stomach." He adds hesitantly.

Hyungwon keeps on blinking and stuttering as if he's trying to process what Wonho just said.

Wonho thought he's being adorable so he decided to step closer. Hyungwon didn't flinch at his bold move and just continues to stare at him, blinking fast. So, Wonho decided to put his lips gently against the younger boy's lips, closing the distance between them.

At first, nothing happens. But then, he felt a strong force pushed him away and he's suddenly on the ground. He touches his nose and saw a lot of blood in his hands.

 _Hyungwon punched me._ He realized.

"What the fuck did you just do?!" The younger boy said in a deep, angry voice.

"I-I'm sorry...I... t-thought-" Wonho stutters, wide-eyed and shocked.

"I don't want to see your face ever again. Do you understand me?!" The boy said, cutting him off and didn't give him the chance to explain.

Hyungwon then turns around and abandon Wonho in the street together with his umbrella.

And Wonho can't help but just stare at the younger boy as he walks further away, for the second time, today.

 


	9. Wrong Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timeline of this chapter will intercept with the next two chapters that I will write later on. So, don't be confused if some of the parts of this story will also be read in the POVs of Hyungwon and Wonho. That's all for now. Enjoy reading 😊

**KIHYUN'S POV**

I'm on my way to Hyungwon's apartment. He claims that he's not feeling well today so he wasn't able to go to school. I thought it would be a good idea to drop by and give him a copy of the lectures he missed.

As I am walking in their neighborhood, I felt a sudden vibration in the pocket of my jeans. I reached out for my phone and saw that it's Changkyun, who's calling.

"Hey, what's up?" I answered.

"Hey, man. I'm already at Sunbaenim's apartment. And I got to mention to them that you're going to Hyungwon's apartment first before coming over. Apparently, a boy named Hyunwoo also lives there. And Wonho-hyung asked if you can tell him that he's sick, so he wouldn't be able to meet with the guy, today."

"Oh, okay. I will."

"Thanks, Kihyun."

"No, problem. But Changkyun?"

"Yeah?"

"Please stop sleeping at Jooheon's apartment all the time and try to go to ours for once." I nag at him.

"Aw... do you miss me that much? Or are you just being jealous?" Changkyun cooed.

I roll my eyes even though I know that he can't see me, "No, cheeky bastard. I'm telling you to go home and clean your own room!"

"I'm hanging up, now." I added and ended the call fast before he can even argue.

Somehow, I found myself already standing at the doorstep of Hyungwon's apartment. I knock.

The door opens and I inhaled sharply, "Hi. You're Hyungwon's friend, right? Kihyun? Come in." Hyunwoo-hyung greets with a smile.

"Yes. Hi." I manage to say breathlessly.

_How could a man be this manly?_

He smiles at me and asked, "Does Hyungwon know you're coming?"

"No, actually, I just drop by to give him a copy of my notes."

"Oh. That's very sweet of you." Hyunwoo-hyung said, ruffling my hair.

_Oh. My. God._

"It's nothing. I mean, I know Hyungwon is struggling with his studies. What kind of friend would I be, if I don't at least do this for him?" I said, blushing.

I rarely get feelings for someone. And, I guess, there is something about this boy that made me see him in a different way. Maybe, it's how sweet he treats Hyungwon and it makes me melt. Or maybe, it's his broad shoulders and back that makes him like the manliest man I've ever seen. His smile... his sparkling eyes... and the smell of a burning food?

I sniff. "I think there is something burning."

"W-what? Oh, shit!" He exclaims when he realized what it was and runs straight to the kitchen.

I chuckled and followed him there. Maybe, it's also how clumsy he can be. I smiled to myself.

I heard a door slammed closed and Hyungwon came out of his room and goes to the kitchen.

"Hyung, what's that smell." Hyungwon asked him. "Oh. You're here." He said when he realized that I'm standing inside the kitchen beside Hyunwoo-hyung.

"I brought you notes, young man." I said and toss him my notebook.

"Thanks. But I know you're not only here for that. You also want to seummffp-"

I suddenly run towards him and cup his mouth with my hands to prevent him from talking.

"Hey!" He protested after I let him go.

"Actually, yes. I also came to see Hyunwoo-hyung." I stated.

The two of them gave me a confused look.

"My friend, Changkyun, called me on the way here. And he asked me to tell you that Wonho-hyung wouldn't be able to meet you because he's not feeling well, today." I explained.

"He's not?" Hyungwon suddenly asked concerned.

It was my turn to give him a confused look.

"Yeah, why are you asking, are you-"

I started to ask but was cut short when Hyungwon interrupted me and said, "Hyung, I think I need to go out for a while." He said to Hyunwoo-hyung. And went straight into his room, grab his jacket and wallet and went straight to the door and close it all in the span of five seconds.

I stared at Hyunwoo-hyung in disbelief. "What was that?" I asked.

"I have no idea." He replied, as confused as I am.

\-----

After we recovered from Hyungwon's sudden havoc, Hyunwoo-hyung invited me to eat with him. But since what he cooked had burnt. I offered to cook for him, instead.

"Wow. You're really good at this." He praises.

"Thanks." I said shyly. "I had the experience of being a chef for a while, that's why."

"Really? That's great! As for me, I only cook because I don't have a choice. Hyungwon can't really cook and I don't like being hungry." He laughs.

How can someone be this adorable? I can literally drop dead here because of the sound of his laugh.

I laugh too. But it came out like a freaking fish who's struggling to breathe.

"Am I bothering you too much?" He asked me, clearly, misinterpreting my effort to laugh as an annoyance to his presence.

"No, not at all." I said. "Besides, it's actually nice that I have someone to talk to while I am cooking." I immediately tried to defend.

"Are you always alone?"

"Not really. But Changkyun, my friend I mentioned earlier, we live in an apartment together, too. But, he's always not around because he basically lives with his boyfriend, now." I explained.

"You must be really lonely... just like me."

"What?" I glanced at him, shocked at his confession.

"Well, as you know, Hyungwon is a really quiet and distant person. So, even if he's here, he's just locked up in his room most of the time." He smiled sadly.

Before I can respond to that he quickly added, "I think the food is ready. I'll prepare our plates so we can start eating."

I am left standing there not really knowing what to say so I just finish what I am cooking and turn off the gas stove.

\-----

After we settled down to eat. We talked a little about our courses and he gave me some advice on how I should study the subjects I struggle with. Especially, since it's business calc and he's basically taking calculus like he's just deciding what to wear for school. Okay, that's probably not a good metaphor but the point is, he's really good at math.

After a while, he asked, "How did you and Hyungwon start becoming friends?"

"Well, it's nothing special really. I just found him all alone in class one day while everybody is talking, so I approached him and asked if the seat beside him was already taken. He just stared me for a long time at first, then eventually shakes his head when I gave him a smile. I guess, he was not used to being talked to, at that time."

"I'm really glad he found a friend like you." He smiled sweetly at me.

I noticed that there was a small piece of food stuck near his lips. And I don't know what kind of spirit has possessed me because I suddenly had the courage to reach it out and removed it.

I felt him stiffened at first but he eventually relaxed, then, the atmosphere in the room was immediately replaced by sexual tension. But before something more even happens, he suddenly avoided my gaze and bowed his head.

There was a long-silenced after that. Not one of us dared to speak.

Then, after a while, he muttered, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

I would be lying if I would tell you I am not hurt about what he just said. But I don't want to hurt my pride any further so I said, "What idea? I was just trying to remove the dirt on your face." Then, force a laugh.

"Still. Please don't mention to Hyungwon what had happened here." He said in almost a whisper.

_Oh._

"Of course, nothing even happened." I said while forcing a laugh again.

I feel like I was about to cry at any moment now so I finally stood up and said, "I better go now. Hyungwon is not even here and I'm bothering you too much."

He didn't respond and just continue to bow his head. So, I picked up my things and reach for the door and closes it as fast as I can.

I rarely get feelings for someone. But fate must really hate me. Because one of the things I consider why I fell in love with him, is also the reason why he can't fall in love with me.

"He's already in love with Hyungwon." I muttered. Then, I quickly turn and walk away.


	10. At Fault

Hyungwon feels like he fucked up.

The last thing he remembers is Wonho trying to confess his feelings for him. But now, he's opening his eyes and he can see that its daylight, again. Meaning, he’s been gone for the rest of the evening, last night. And the worse thing is that his body doesn't even feel like it got some sleep or at least some rest. His head hurts too and he noticed that he's a little bit hot.

 _Did I go home drenched, last night?_ He wondered.

He got out of bed and looks at the time. Then, sigh when it shows that it's already late in the afternoon. He missed almost all of his classes and he's already late for the last one. So, he decided to just call Kihyun to tell him that he wasn't able to go to school today because he's sick.

After he hung up, he decided to lay on his bed again because he doesn't have anything to do. His mind keeps drifting back on what happened yesterday. And as much as his heart flutters every time he remembers Wonho's confession, he still can't help but feel uneasy because he can't remember anything after that.

What did you do this time? He thought, closing his eyes and letting thoughts go back to what had happened last night.

_"But since I met you... I keep thinking of you...."_

_"My heart just keeps...pounding and I get butterflies all over my stomach..."_

_Me too. I feel the same way, too._

He sighs deeply knowing that he can't really say it out loud.

\-----

An hour already had passed by and he's still laying on his bed. He wants to call Wonho and asked him if he's okay. But he also thought that it would be better if he can see him in person.

He's in the middle of trying to plan on how to see Wonho when he suddenly smells something burning. So, he got up and walked out of his room, and went straight to the kitchen.

"Hyung, what's that smell." Hyungwon asked the older boy. "Oh. You're here." He said when he realized that Kihyun is also standing in the kitchen.

"I brought you notes, young man." Kihyun said and tossed to him his notebook.

He knows Kihyun, though. He won't get out of his way if it won't benefit him somehow.

Hyungwon smirked. _He's here to see Shownu._

So, he said to Kihyun in a suggestive tone, "Thanks. But I know you're not only here for that. You also want to seummffp-"

But he didn't get to finish what he wanted to say because Kihyun suddenly put his hand over his mouth.

"Hey!" He protested after the shorter guy lets him go.

"Actually, yes. I also came here to see Hyunwoo-hyung." Kihyun stated, boldly.

Hyungwon raised his eyebrows at Kihyun and thought. _Okay. That is some courage right there._

"My friend, Changkyun, called me on the way here. And he asked me to tell you that Wonho-hyung wouldn't be able to meet you because he's not feeling well, today." He explained.

Hyungwon was ready to tease his friend for his explanation but felt the need to stop after Kihyun finished his sentence.

"He's not?" Hyungwon suddenly asked concerned.

Kihyun gave him a confused look and said, "Yeah, why are you asking, are you-"

_Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. I did something horrible. Wonho is not feeling well and it's my fault._

Without really knowing what to do, he asked Shownu for permission to go out. Then, grab his jacket and wallet then run towards the door until he reaches the bus station.

All the while thinking that he has something to do with Wonho being sick.

He feels stupid. He doesn't even know where Wonho lives. He forgot to ask Shownu and Kihyun.

He's panicking. He feels horrible. He can't breathe. His vision started to blur, his heart is racing and pounding hard. He feels lightheaded. And he feels like throwing up, too.

He can already see people surrounding him, asking him if he's alright but he can't really respond.

And the last thing he heard before he blacked out is someone screaming his name.


	11. Too Stubborn

Wonho thinks he fucked up.

He's still lying on his bed and doesn't have any plan to stand up anytime, soon. Minhyuk already knocked on his door, twice. First, to say that breakfast is ready. And second, to tell him that he's going to be late for school. He doesn't really feel like doing any of the two or pretty much anything for that matter. So, he just laid there not really doing anything except stare at the ceiling. And think.

It's already been fourteen hours since he stupidly confessed to Hyungwon. He thought of calling Shownu, to ask if Hyungwon got home just fine. But thought better of it. He knows how Shownu can be overprotective of the younger boy, and telling him that Wonho somehow ended up kissing that boy would just be another stupid confession to make.

So, now, here he is. Trying so hard to not look pathetic than he already is.

_Ugh. Why kiss a boy you just met? Why confess to a boy you just met. Why fall in love with a boy you just met._

"No way." He suddenly said out loud.

He's not in love with Hyungwon. This is just a crush. An infatuation. He's not that stupid to fall in love that quick.

_Right?_

Because Hyungwon is basically still a stranger. He's not even sure if Hyungwon is interested in guys, too. He doesn't know anything about him. Except that he's two years younger than Wonho but he's a few centimeters taller. He's a business major like Kihyun. And he's also friends with Shownu.

_That's it._

Oh. And the way he likes the rain. And how beautiful he looks whenever he smiles. And how adorable he is whenever he laughs.

_Yup. Not falling in love, at all._

His thoughts were interrupted when there was another knocked at the door. This time its Jooheon.

"Hyung, why are you still in bed?"

"I really don't feel like going to school." He replied.

This shocked Jooheon. Because he knows that even though Wonho is not the brightest student, he still not that dumb to not know that attendance is an important criterion for him to pass his subjects. And saying that he's not going to attend his lectures just because he doesn't feel like it is a very un-Wonho thing to say.

So, Jooheon enters his room and walks up to the older boy and asked with a concerned voice, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just a little headache, I guess." He replied weakly.

"Hyung! You're hot!" Jooheon exclaims after touching Wonho's forehead.

"I know." He jokes dryly.

He almost forgot. He got drenched by the rain last night because he stayed where he was after Hyungwon punched him. He stayed there, staring blankly at the road where Hyungwon had gone. He stayed there long enough for his soaked clothes to be completely dry again by the time he got home.

But because of the pain, he's feeling inside, he still managed to almost forget that he's not feeling well physically, too.

"-you work out too much and you barely even eat dinner! So, you better eat and take your medicine. After we got back from school, I'll ask Minhyuk-hyung to make some soup for you. But for now, get up and eat the breakfast we made you." Jooheon continued.

Wonho didn't even realize that the younger boy started talking again. And is now lecturing him about working out too much. He finds himself chuckling at that.

"What's so funny?" Jooheon said with an unamused tone.

"Nothing. You're just too cute whenever you nagged at your hyung."

He glares at Wonho. But it's not terrifying at all, seeing how red his ears and cheeks already had become for being embarrassed.

"Whatever I'll be late for class. Be sure to do what I said. I'm serious." Jooheon said, exasperated.

"Yes, sir!" Wonho said while giving a salute to the younger boy, clearly, not taking him seriously. Then gave him a wide grin.

Jooheon just sighs and turns around, bidding him goodbye.

After Wonho heard the door closed, he sighs too. He doesn't really feel like eating. So, he decided to close his eyes and just try to get some sleep.

\----

_Wonho is at a children's playground. It's already dark so no playing children are in sight anymore. He decided to go by the swing and sit there. After some time, he suddenly heard someone crying. He stood up and tries to find where it is coming from._

_It's a little boy. He's at the top of the slide and has his hands covering his face._

_Wonho looks around to see if anyone is with him. But there is no one except the two of them around._

_"Hey. What's wrong?" Wonho said in a gentle voice. So, he wouldn't scare off the child in case he's already lost._

_The child looks at him, sniffs and wipes away his tears and tries to stop from crying._

_"I can't get down the slide, ahjusshi." He replied._

_"Just call me hyung and I would help you get down." Wonho said chuckling at him._

_"But I'm scared, hyung."_

_"Why would you be scared? You have me. I won't leave you."_

_"Really?"_

_"Really." Then he reaches out his hand to the boy to prove it._

_When the boy finally got down the slide, he squeals and jumps up and down. Then said to Wonho, "Again! Let's do it again!"_

_"Really? You're not scared anymore?" Wonho replied chuckling to teased the boy._

_"Why would I be scared? I have you." The child replied simply._

_Wonho was touched. So, he ruffles the boy's hair fondly to show his appreciation._

_An hour has passed by, but the boy is still going back and forth down the slide. And Wonho can't help but noticed that the more he goes down the more excited he becomes._

_"Aren't you tired?" Wonho asked after the child came down again for the nth time. The kid simply shook his head and smiles wider as if to prove that he is not._

_But it's already getting late so Wonho asked again, "Is no one looking for you?"_

_As if on cue, a loud, angry voice suddenly screamed._

_"YOU!"_

_Wonho turned around then saw a man in his thirties. And as soon as their eyes met, Wonho felt his knees gone weak. And he couldn't move, at all._

_He tried to speak up. Maybe, to try to defend himself that he's not kidnapping the child. But he can't bring himself to do it. He's terrified. The man is looking at him with so much anger as he approached them. He can hear the kid crying beside him and trembling with fear again but he still can't bring himself to comfort the child. Wonho thinks he's about to cry, too. He's already trembling, as well._

_The guy is just a few meters away from them when Wonho suddenly felt his feet started backing away. Before he can think any better, he started to turn around and run away as fast as he can._

_The child is calling for him. Screaming for help. But he's too terrified to look back. He can still hear footsteps approaching him from behind._

_Then, suddenly, the kid appeared in front of him._

_Wonho screams. He stumbles and fell to the ground. The child is still crying. And he's now filled with bruises and wounds all over his body. Wonho scrambles to his feet. He doesn’t know why but he’s now terrified at the injured boy._

_The kid is no longer crying and his face looks deadly calm as he said, "You said you wouldn't leave me, hyung."_

\----

Wonho woke up, panting. He's also sweating all over his body.

_Another nightmare._

He's used to it by now. Sometimes, he even dreams of completely unexplainable and non-sense things. But mostly it's about a boy on a playground and how cowardly he abandoned him. That still doesn't make sense. Because if that ever happened in real life he was sure that he won't abandon a child just because he's terrified at the looked of a man.

He looks at the clock and saw that it's already mid-afternoon. He immediately sits up, totally forgetting that he still doesn't feel well. So, he felt a terrible searing pain in his head, causing him to hissed sharply.

The pain was slightly interrupted by a knock at the door. And a smiling Minhyuk was seen, peeking his head.

"How are you feeling?" The blonde greeted cheerfully.

"Worse." Wonho honestly replied.

"That's because you're too stubborn. You still haven't eaten anything since breakfast, have you?" He said with disappointment.

Wonho just sighs. He was not even talking about how he physically feels. But he didn't dare say that out loud. He knows that even though Minhyuk can be this cheerful even on asking a sick person how he feels, he can become as overprotective to Wonho as Shownu is to Hyungwon.

"Good thing I made you some soup." Minhyuk said sweetly. "But as a punishment, I didn't bring it here to your room. So, you have to go down and get it yourself." He continued smiling, clearly satisfied with the punishment he had given.

Wonho just sighs again. He didn't have the energy to argue. He's already feeling hungry, anyway. So, he stood up and went downstairs with Minhyuk.

He saw Changkyun and Jooheon watching some dramas in the living room. He greeted them. And after he ate and took his medicine, he decided to join them, too.

Which turned out to be a bad idea.

They are watching some romantic drama where a boy is confessing to a girl. It's raining. Then, they kissed. And the umbrella fell from the girl's grasp.

_Is this plot really that common and cliché?_

Wonho feels like throwing up. So, to distract himself from it. He decided to start a conversation, instead.

"You should have invited Kihyun to come over, too." He said to Changkyun.

"We already did. But he said he's gonna drop by to Hyungwon-hyung first, before coming over."

The sound of his name made Wonho's stomach twist in discomfort.

"You know Hyungwon?" He tried to ask the maknae, casually.

"Not really. I just know that he's with the same classes as Kihyun. So, technically, they're friends." Changkyun explained. "Why? Do you know him?"

"Not really." He tried to lie. "But technically, yes, because he's friends with my classmate, as well."

Changkyun just nodded and turns his attention back to the television.

After a while, Wonho spoke again, "Can I asked you a favor?"

So, Changkyun agreed and called Kihyun to ask him if he could tell Shownu that he can't meet him tonight.

Wonho always randomly gets sick, so he's not worried that Shownu would question him later about it. All he has to do now is think of a way to convince his friend, to just do their project at Wonho's apartment or somewhere at school.

_Just not there. Not near Hyungwon._

It's not like he doesn't want to be around the taller guy, anymore.

It's actually the opposite.

It's just that he respects Hyungwon. And the way he looked at him and the way his voice was filled with anger, last night, was enough indication for him to back off.

After an agonizing three hours of watching a romantic drama with the couple, the four of them took their sit at the dining table. Minhyuk cooked for them again. Usually, preparing dinner is Wonho's task but since he's sick, his blonde friend let him get some rest.

Changkyun’s phone suddenly vibrated and almost chokes on the food he is chewing when he read the message. He looks stunned.

"What is it?" Jooheon asked him concerned.

Changkyun looked at all of them before answering quietly, "Kihyun texted me saying that he can't make it here."

After a while, he continued, "He said that Hyungwon-hyung was brought to the hospital."


	12. With Him

**MINHYUK’S POV**

Jooheon and I are now putting the plates away from the table. It was mostly unfinished because after Changkyun announced that a person, named Hyungwon, was brought to the hospital; Wonho has started to act weird then eventually vomits inside the bathroom.

And after he had calmed down, he tried to convince Changkyun to accompany him to the hospital. This was not hard to do at all because, apparently, the younger boy is also worried about how Kihyun is holding up.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve given in easily.

\-----

_“Come on, Minhyuk!” Wonho whined. “I’m just really worried about Shownu. And look! Changkyun is really worried about Kihyun, too!”_

_I snorted, “Why would you two be worried about them? They’re not even the ones who were admitted to the hospital! Is no one going to be worried about that, Hyungwon? Should I be the one who should be worried about him?”_

_Wonho made a weird face like he tasted his own vomit when he heard my last sentence._

_“Besides, shouldn’t you be more worried about yourself?!” I further argued. “May I remind you that you’re also not feeling well!”_

_“I’m not a kid anymore! I can take care of myself!” He said while pouting as if he’s trying to show me the opposite of his line of reasoning._

_Knowing that I can’t be budged, he turned to Jooheon and said, “Come on, Jooheon. Tell him.”_

_“I think it’s okay for Wonho-hyung to go there,” Jooheon replied._

_I glared at him, the same time Wonho happily squeezed him into a hug._

_Jooheon chuckled when he saw me glaring, “Come on, hyung. Let him be. You know he would just sulk about it for days if you won’t let him go.”_

_“And, at least, if something bad did happen to Wonho-hyung, doctors and nurses are just a few meters away from him.” He continued giving me that dimpled smile that I absolutely hate._

_“Fine,” I said. Finally giving up._

_Ugh. Jooheon and his smart-ass arguments._

_“But don’t expect me to visit you to the hospital if something did happen to you because of your stubbornness,” I added bitterly._

_Wonho knew that it’s not true. So, he squealed and squeezed me into a hug, as well._

_\-----_

So, here we are now, half an hour later. Alone, together.

If I am being honest, it’s not even Wonho I’m really worried about. I know that he can take care of himself. The truth is, I am worried to be with him.

I know he still hasn’t noticed. Or if he did, he doesn’t really care. But, since Jooheon announced his relationship with Changkyun, I never trusted myself to be alone with him, anymore. Of course, we still hang out but I always make sure that Wonho or someone else is with us.

I’m still bitter, I guess.

Because I can still remember how over the moon I was when he first told me that his parents finally agreed for him to enroll in a music-related course, just like me. And it would also be the same university I go to. I thought back then that it would just be a matter of time before I could finally gather up my courage and ask him out.

But it never came. And before I knew it, he’s already introducing us to his new boyfriend.

And it's been three months, since then. Since he stops being single and I stop hanging out with him, alone.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

I flinched when I suddenly heard him talked.

“Yeah. Why?” I replied trying to give him a smile.

“It’s just that you had been really quiet after Wonho and Changkyun have gone.”

He suddenly approached me and playfully hug me from behind, causing me to almost drop all the plates I was holding.

“Are you mad at me? For letting Wonho-hyung go?” He said, acting cutely. “Please, don’t be mad. You know how Wonho-hyung can be.”

I tried to casually untangle his arms around me and said, “I’m not mad at you, Joohoney. I’m just really tired.”

“Oh. You called me Joohoney, again! It’s been a while.” He said excitedly.

_Shit. I’ve been very careful with not calling him by that name._

_Stupid mouth._

I just rolled my eyes at him, trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal then I continued to walk by the sink before saying, “Of course, I don’t want your intimidating boyfriend to get jealous of me.”

Jooheon’s expression changes into something serious, “It’s fine. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Should I be offended?” I said dramatically. “I, the Lee Minhyuk, is not worthy to get jealous at?”

He chuckles at that. “That’s not what I meant. And of course, you’re worthy, hyung.”

“What do you mean, then?”

But instead of answering my question he asked, “Do you want to do a movie marathon?

It’s just that, Changkyun and I planned to stay up all night, but then that hospital thing happened so now I don’t have anyone to watch it with.”

“Making me an option, I see,” I said half-jokingly but still agreed.

After we finished cleaning up. We finally settled down on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. I must really be a masochist because it turned out that all the movies the couple had planned to watch are all romantic movies.

We’re on our second movie when Jooheon suddenly settled his head on my lap then said, “It’s been a while since we hang out like this. Just the two of us. I almost forgot how nice this feels.”

_Please stop saying those kinds of things so I can finally stop falling in love with you._

But instead of saying it out loud, I just looked down at him and force a smile. Then, looked up quickly and turn my attention back at the movie that was playing.

*******

**CHANGKYUN’S POV**

I came rushing to the hospital looking frantic. I look around to see where Kihyun could possibly be. And after seeing him safely sitting down in the waiting area of the emergency room, I run to him and suddenly pulls him into a hug.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He said, surprised.

I let him go and said, “I was really worried about you!”

Wonho-hyung, who just came panting after being left behind from my running, gave me a suspicious look.

_Shit. Was I that obvious?_

Well, I don’t really care at the moment. It’s normal to be worried when your best friend is at the hospital, even though he was not the one who was admitted, right?

“I’m fine. I’m just a little shock, I guess.” Kihyun replied. “I was the one who found him unconscious.”

“What happened?” Wonho-hyung asked.

“Well, when I told Hyunwoo-hyung about you not feeling well. Hyungwon heard it too and started to panic, then he suddenly said that he would just go out for a while.” He explained. “After some time, when I was on my way home, I saw people surrounding a person at the bus station. And when I got near them, I saw that it was Hyungwon. So, I called the ambulance and then Hyunwoo-hyung, so he can also get here to the hospital.”

That’s when I saw another young man still looking dazed, about the situation. Wonho-hyung approaches him and puts his hand on the guy’s shoulders, “Hey, are you okay?”

Hyunwoo’s eyes widened in shock when he finally noticed that there are now other two people beside him.

“Yeah.” He replied after a while. “It’s just that it’s already been over an hour but the doctor hasn’t said anything, yet.”

Kihyun approaches him this time and said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be alright.”

He looks at Kihyun like he is crazy, “How can you say that everything is fine? Nothing’s fine. Hyungwon is in there and I can’t do anything about it!”

“Hey, watched your tone!” I said, glaring at him.

“It’s fine, Changkyun!” Kihyun said, then he looks at me like I was the one who messed up and not that guy.

I sigh.

“I’m sorry.” The guy said after a while. “But can you leave me alone for a moment?”

And here I was thinking that he was actually apologizing for being rude to Kihyun.

I sigh again, starting to get really worked up.

But Kihyun and Wonho-hyung must have understood what he’s feeling because they just agreed after some time.

“I think you should just go home and get some rest,” Wonho said to Kihyun, while we are walking along the hospital corridors.

“But I can’t just leave Hyunwoo-hyung alone,” Kihyun said. “I mean, I’m worried about Hyungwon, too.”

“It’s okay. I will stay here with Shownu. You can just come back here tomorrow after your classes. I’m sure by then Hyungwon would already be awake.” Wonho-hyung replies with a small smile like he was trying to convince himself of what he just said.

“Wonho-hyung is right, Kihyun,” I said. “It’s getting late and you still have morning classes tomorrow.”

“Fine.” He finally agreed. “But you have to call me as soon as the doctor said anything.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll keep you posted.” Wonho-hyung said kindly.

\-----

We’re now walking at our neighborhood when I finally decided to ask, “So, why are you so worried about that Hyunwoo?”

“It’s Hyunwoo-hyung. And I’m worried about Hyungwon, not him.” He tries to defend.

I scoffed, “Come on, Ki. I know you better than that.”

“It’s Kihyun-hyung.”

“You’re really going to be this way? What happens with no secrets between best friends?”

He sighs then finally said, “It’s just a thing you have nothing to worry about.”

“That guy is obviously bothering you so how can I not worry?”

“That’s sweet, Changkyun.” He said putting his arms around my shoulders. “But we also agreed to mind each other’s business from time to time.” He added, using a tone that means he doesn’t want to talk about it so I better shut up.

I sigh.

Kihyun and I are both very organized and we usually play by the rules. But I’m pretty sure, I absolutely despise every rule a best friend needs to follow.

Whether it’s verbal or implied.


	13. The Calm

The first thing he noticed when he opened his eyes was silence. But then, he looked down and saw a boy sleeping beside him; and he actually felt at peace.

He reached out and tried to gently fix Wonho's hair that has fallen in his eyes, but that still caused the older boy to stir from his sleep.

"Hey, you're awake." The older boy said with a smile of relief, but the uncertainty was still evident in his voice. "Just stay still. I'll call a nurse for you."

He stood up and was about to walk out but Hyungwon reached out and hold his wrist to stop him, "Are you okay?" He managed to say.

The older boy gave him a confused look and said hesitantly, "Y-yes, of course."

"I heard you're not feeling well. Is it because of me?" Hyungwon asked again, weakly.

It was a good sign that he woke up with Wonho at his side. It means he hasn't done something that could have damaged whatever relationship they have at the moment. But he still can't help but asked Wonho about it.

"Hyungwon, it's been two days since you were brought here." He said while fidgeting with his fingers.

Then after a while, he continued, "I'm fine, now."

Hyungwon should be worried about being unconscious for two days. But the thing that bothered him the most since he woke up was how nervous Wonho is, around him. He didn't even deny that Hyungwon was not the reason for him to not feel well.

Have I really done something wrong? He wondered.

"I'm sorry." He apologizes even if he really doesn't know what he's apologizing for.

"W-what?" Wonho stuttered. "I mean, why?"

"I just... I'm sorry."

Wonho smiled. Maybe, to try to assure him that everything is fine. But then he just said, "I think I should probably call the doctor now."

"You'll be back right?"

"Of course."

_But he didn't._

It's been another three days since it happened. Shownu and Kihyun have been the ones taking care of him since then. And Hyungwon even has gotten a bit close with Changkyun because he accompanies Kihyun to the hospital from time to time. But Wonho still hasn’t come back.

_I must have really fucked up._

There was a knock at the door and it slides opened to reveal a smiling Shownu.

"Are you excited to finally go home?" He said with a cheerful voice.

And Hyungwon is.

He's sick of this all-white hospital room. He is sick of this small hospital bed and all the tubes that are attached to him. He's sick with the hospital food, too. And he's sick of waiting for a boy who, apparently, don't have any plans to come back and visit him.

So, he nods eagerly and matches the smile that was on Shownu's face.

\-----

They finally arrived home. Shownu opened the door for them, holding their bags that were brought to the hospital during their stay, while Changkyun and Kihyun are at each side of Hyungwon trying to help him walk. That looks ridiculous because he's already strong enough to walk on his own but Kihyun still insisted, and Changkyun seems to follow anything his best friend wants to do. So, he nods eagerly and matches the smile that was on Shownu's face.

They all settled down on the couch after some time and Hyungwon let out a deep sigh of relief.

"Thank you, guys." He smiles sweetly on each of them.

"No need to be sappy. That's what all friends would do." Kihyun said reaching out and ruffling his hair, playfully.

"Kihyun is right, Hyungwon. We're just glad you're back." Shownu said with a small smile. "Welcome home."

And Hyungwon never felt more at home at that moment.

\-----

 

 

 

**(MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE! IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE, PLEASE SKIP THIS PART)**

 

 

 

_He abruptly woke up when he felt a hand traveling between his inner thighs. He tried to escape from it but the hands only tightened its grasp._

_It's one of those days again. Hyungwon thought._

_He can smell alcohol and cigarette from the man's breath._

_Hyungwon can't move and he's breathing hard. The bed is too small and the man is too big. He doesn't have the strength to resist his disgusting touches._

_He tried to think. But the only thing he can think of doing is to let out a scream._

_So, he screams._

_But the man's other hands immediately caught them when he cupped Hyungwon's mouth. So, his screams just came out as muffled sounds, instead._

_He can now feel hot tears streaming down his face._

_"Shhh. It's okay. We're just going to play for a while." The man whispered against his ears as his fingers are now in the young boy's waistband._

\-----

 

 

 

**(IT'S OKAY NOW! YOU MAY START READING AGAIN)**

Hyungwon woke up with a start. And saw that there is already some sunlight passing through his windows. It's the first time in a while since he actually had decent nights of sleep. But due to his nightmares, he even felt more restless, instead.

He finally got up when he suddenly smells some pancakes came through from the kitchen.

And he was greeted by Shownu cooking them, "Hyungwon?"

"Yes."

"Sit. Breakfast will be ready in five."

So, he sat up. And soon enough two pieces of freshly cooked pancakes were already in front of him. But seeing them now makes him want to throw up instead.

Shownu must have noticed that Hyungwon is just playing with his food because he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He said at first but then decided to continue. "It's just that I had a nightmare."

"Was it that bad for you to lose your appetite?”

"No, hyung. You don't understand." Hyungwon said almost desperately. "I've been having nightmares."

"So..." Shownu said still unsure what Hyungwon wants to say.

"So, it means that I've been sleeping a lot."

And he's also been thinking how quiet and calm it has been since he woke up from the hospital.

Shownu didn't say anything and just looks at the younger boy with concern eyes.

"It's also has been very quiet. L-like he's far away and hiding." He tried to explain again.

"How long has it been?" Shownu finally asked.

"Since, I woke up from the hospital."

"Hyungwon," Shownu said again after some time. "The doctor said that you were brought there because you had a seizure."

Hyungwon is quiet and didn't reply. He doesn't know what to say.

But Shownu uttered the words he can't say out loud. "It means he was trying to come out... unwillingly.

Hyungwon, where were you going that day and why is he trying to prevent you to go there?"

That made Hyungwon looked up from his plate looking stunned. He didn't think of it that way. Him, trying to stop him. Hyungwon thought it was just because he was not feeling well. But, now that Shownu put it like that...

 _Is_ he _really trying to stop Hyungwon from seeing Wonho?_


	14. Too Late

**JOOHEON’S POV**

I am already at the restaurant and I’ve been waiting here for more than half an hour.

_He is late again._

It’s our fourth-month anniversary today and we usually celebrate it by eating dinner at our favorite restaurant. But, Changkyun seems to forget the time we’re supposed to meet. But, then again, it’s not like we ever change it.

**_Where are you? It’s already 6:40 we were supposed to meet at 6!_ **

But before I can even send him the text. The door at the restaurant opened and an out-of-breath Changkyun entered.

He rushes when he saw me and immediately sat on the table. The sight of him made me smile. Maybe, he actually made an effort to come here on time.

I was ready to forgive and forget about him being late, when he suddenly said, “Sunbae, I’m sorry I am late. I helped Kihyun at the hospital, Hyungwon-hyung was discharged today.”

I stiffened. It’s about Kihyun-hyung again. I promised myself when we officially became together that I won’t be the jealous type. But that doesn’t mean I am blind. I can see how differently he cares for his best friend.

So, before I can think any better, I stated, “Let’s break up.”

Changkyun suddenly stiffened and looked at me wide-eyed. I was shocked by what I said, too.

But it was too late to take it back.

If someone told me six months ago that I would say those words directly at him, I would have laughed out loud and start pissing at myself.

_\----_

_The first time I laid my eyes on Changkyun. I thought. Oh shit. Trouble._

_It was the start of the Spring semester, at that time. And I finally started my sophomore year as a music major._

_And because it is the first day of class, a lot of students were going around the campus to give leaflets to freshmen to invite them to join their club._

_And for a club that is made for rappers, it was basically a very boring day for us._

_So, when a guy finally approached our table and actually asked for a leaflet, all of our members literally shuffled around him and started asking him anything they can ask a stranger._

_Not me, though. I was still staring at him the whole time. Heart pounding._

_What is wrong with me? I thought._

_I didn’t even realize that everyone already introduced themselves and they are already looking at me expectantly._

_“Sunbae, I am Changkyun and I am a new student here.” He said when I still didn’t say anything._

_“I know.”_

_That came out cocky and rude. But what I really meant was, ‘I know. I would have noticed you a long time ago if you were already studying here before.’_

_But it was too late to take it back. The damaged has been done. He was already looking at me like I was ready to eat him at any moment._

_Gun, who was standing between us, put his arms on each of our shoulders and said to Changkyun, “Aw. Don’t worry about this guy. He might seem intimidating, at first. But you’ll see, he actually has a lot of aegyo in his body.”_

_Changkyun just tried to smile and let out a nervous laugh._

_But the thing is, I was the one who was intimidated by him. I may look like someone who has a lot of charisma while performing, but I am totally opposite off-stage. On the other hand, Changkyun’s face already looks mature despite being younger than all of us. His voice is so deep, too, I could listen to it forever._

_And when our club admin asked him to give us a sample of his rap, I was so sure I became terrified. Terrified that I was falling too fast._

_So, for a whole month last semester, I literally avoided him._

_But, I guess, if you’re really meant to be together, fate would always find a way. And for us, the way to interact was through a club activity._

_“So, since it’s already been a month since the semester began, I already expect that our new members had had enough time to adjust and get to know all of us here.” Professor Jo Dong-rim, our club admin said._

_“With that said, I decided to create an activity that would make everyone much closer.” He added._

_And that’s how I ended up being partners with Changkyun because, apparently, our rapping styles blend in._

_It was awkward._

_The last time we spoke to each other was the first day he introduced himself. I never even got to mention my name to him and I just assumed that he got to ask for it around the other members._

_But I must have been really nervous to finally interact with him again after a month, because the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “So, hi. My name is Jooheon.”_

_When I said that Changkyun choked on air and tried really hard not to laugh._

_As for me, I tried so hard to refrain myself from standing up and start hitting my head against the wall._

_It also didn’t help that I can feel my blood rushing towards my face and ears, an indication that I was extremely embarrassed._

_Finally, when he was sure that he can talk without bursting into laughter, he said. “When Gun-hyung said that you are not as intimidating as you seem to be, I didn’t believe him. But, seeing how you are now. I guess you really are cute, Sunbae.”_

_The words that came out of his mouth certainly didn’t help with my already red face and ears. It made me blushed even more._

_And this caused Changkyun to laugh out loud._

_After that embarrassing and awkward situation we got into, I found out that we can actually work together, pretty well. We even managed to make our own song and guide each other whenever we’re a little bit lost at it._

_We didn’t even notice that another month has already passed and our performance day had finally come._

_“Are you nervous, Sunbae?”_

_We’re at the backstage preparing to perform, next. But if I am nervous about something, it was not about performing. I am nervous that after the activity, we would just go back to normal and just greet each other whenever we accidentally meet at the school campus._

_“Let’s date.” I suddenly said._

_Changkyun stiffened and looked at me wide-eyed. He obviously didn’t expect that. And neither did I._

_But maybe it is what Changkyun does to me. Me, saying completely unexpected things._

_“Why?” He simply replied._

_“You don’t want to?” And maybe, some stupid things, too._

_“No. It’s not that.” He quickly said. “I mean, I just didn’t know that you’re interested in guys, too.”_

_Too. He’s interested in guys too._

_“So, do you want to date me or not?” I asked more confidently even though I can definitely hear my heart beating hard against my chest._

_“Yeah. I guess.” Then rephrase his words like he was not satisfied with it. “Yes, Sunbae. Let’s date.”_

_I smiled and he smiled back at me._

_And up until now. That day is still the best performance I’ve ever done on stage._

\----

Thinking of it now it’s actually kind of funny, how his reaction with those two important statements in our relationship is just the same.

But, I guess, I always do surprise him with my blunt words.

“Why?” He asked but the look on his face makes it seem like he doesn’t want to know the answer.

I sigh.

“I know I am stupid to fall in love with someone who’s already in love with his best friend.”

He made a face. But I still continue.

“But, I’m still not that stupid to stay in a relationship where I am clearly the only one who puts an effort on.”

He didn’t respond. Instead, he bowed his head and looked intensely at the design of the table cloth like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

 “I’m sorry.” He finally said after a while but I still can’t barely hear it.

 He didn’t even try to deny that he is not in love with him. I thought.

“Goodbye, Changkyun,” I said then quickly stood up ready to leave. But he holds on my wrist.

“Sunbae…” He said desperately like he wanted to say more. But then eventually said, “Goodbye.”

He released my wrist and look at me with tears in his eyes. Then, he gave me a sad smile.

_Maybe, he did start to like me, eventually._

But it still not enough for him to not be too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that you know how most of the people in these ships feel, who are rooting for the most? 
> 
> #Hyungwonho  
> #Hyungwoo  
> #Showki  
> #Changki  
> #Joohyuk  
> #Jookyun
> 
> Be sure to comment who you like to end up with who. (Hint: your votes could actually affect the story 😉)


	15. Upcoming Storm

It's raining outside, but the apartment is warm. Even still, he woke up with chills. Or tremors, really. Wonho couldn't stop shaking. The nightmare he had was so vivid, he could still feel the effects of it for hours after he woke up.

_A nightmare hangover._

He dreamt of him and Hyungwon. But there is someone else. _The kid_.

In the dream, Wonho is walking by the hospital corridors then stops in a room. He peeked inside and couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. The kid was at the top of Hyungwon, covering his head with a pillow. Wonho rushed to the bed, then pushed the kid away. He looked down at Hyungwon and then covered his mouth with his hand with a gasp.

Hyungwon's face was filled with bruises and cuts. Wonho couldn't almost recognize him.

He glanced at the kid, taking in his sinister expression. "What did you _do_?"

"I didn't do anything. It was _you_." The kid replied, then he pointed towards Wonho's hands.

That's when Wonho saw that it was him holding the pillow, covered with blood, and not the kid.

And then he woke up.

His reaction was not to the dream. It was to how much it felt like a forewarning.

He hugs his knees, rocking back and forth on the bed, wondering what this feeling is. Heartache. It is a heartache. And... _guilt_.

He must be feeling really guilty for leaving Hyungwon without saying goodbye, at the hospital. Because he did promise that he will come back. And he did plan to come back.

He just didn't know that he wouldn't be able to at the end.

\----

_He closes the door and let out a long exhale. He didn't even realize that he was holding his breath the entire time he was inside._

_He was just that nervous._

_He didn't expect that Hyungwon would wake up, now. Much less him to talk to Wonho and actually worry about him._

_Maybe, Hyungwon isn't fully back in his consciousness, yet. Wonho thought._

_But it is not what matters at the moment, he needs to make sure first that Hyungwon is really stable now._

_He approaches a nurse that was passing by._

_"Hey, the patient here in room 315 finally woke up. Can you please attend to him for a second?"_

_"Yeah, sure. I'll check the patients' vitals first. Then, call a doctor, afterward."_

_"Thank you."_

_Wonho was about to enter with the nurse but then he remembers that Shownu still didn't know this. So, he stops and said, "Is it okay to leave him with you for a while? I'll just find where my friend is. He's the guardian, I think."_

_The nurse just nods her head and smiles before entering the room._

_It took Wonho for some time before he finally spotted Shownu by the vending machine, drinking what it looks like his 3rd cup of coffee for this morning._

_Wonho rushes to him then said, "Hey, I've been looking for you for quite a while. Hyungwon finally woke up."_

_When he heard the news, Shownu quickly stood up and run towards the room where Hyungwon is. The nurse must already have finished checking Hyungwon's vitals because she's already coming again towards them with a doctor at her side._

_The doctor signaled for them to come in but then Shownu put a hand in Wonho's chest stopping him, then said. "Thank you for staying with me throughout these days."_

_Wonho was about to say that it was nothing but then Shownu continued. "But I think it's better if we're the only ones who will hear what the doctor says."_

_The sentence was vague but the message is clear._

_So, even if he wants to go into the room to fulfill his promise to Hyungwon. He still nods his head and turns his back and walks away._

_Because his service is no longer needed. He simply just doesn't belong there._

\----

It's been a week since it happened. And it's Monday again. So, even if he's still a bit shaken from his dream, he chooses to stand up and get ready for school.

He's now sitting on the table eating quietly. But then, Minhyuk suddenly drops his utensils on his plate, with force, then asked. "Okay, what's happening?"

Wonho was about to say that he doesn't want to talk about it when he noticed that Minhyuk is not looking at him, but at Jooheon.

Jooheon finally looks up from his plate and let out a deep sigh. "Changkyun and I broke up."

The two older boys are each of his sides in seconds. "What happened?" Wonho asked softly, while Minhyuk is rubbing the dimpled boy's back.

Wonho did realize that Jooheon has been acting weird. But he chose to not comment about it since he's not any better. But he's been like these for the past three days now. And Wonho also noticed that Changkyun hasn't been around during that time.

"It's fine. I know it was going to happen at some point." He simply replied.

 _It is because of Kihyun?_ Wonho thought.

Because Wonho remembered how Changkyun acted when they first arrive at the hospital. But he didn't say anything at that time, too, because he's really worried about Hyungwon, as well.

"What will happen now?" Minhyuk asked and he actually looks genuinely sad about it.

"I don't want to force you to hate Changkyun just because we broke up. I know you did become friends during the four months that we were together."

"No way!" Minhyuk exclaimed. "We have to hate him for at least a week."

"Why a week?" Wonho asked.

"I don't know. Because we actually don't hate him, we just have to pretend that we do. For Jooheon's sake."

And that actually made Jooheon at least smile a little.

\----

Wonho is staring at his eyes directly. And he can't look away, even if he wants to, because of how intense the younger boy is also looking at him.

The pedestrian is at a stop and Hyungwon is on the other side of it. But he already caught Wonho's eyes and never dared to let go of his gaze. Wonho doesn't know what to do. It was already obvious that he's waiting for the light to turn green. So, if he suddenly turns around and continues walking, it's more obvious that he's trying to avoid Hyungwon.

And so, when the stoplight turns red and it was the pedestrians turn to pass by. He decided to walk forward towards Hyungwon. And Hyungwon does the same.

When they intersected, Hyungwon suddenly grabs him by the arm and drags Wonho with him.

Wonho is nervous.

_Have I done something wrong? Wasn't I supposed to look back at him like that? Should I have just looked away, instead?_

Wonho's mind was flooding with questions.

But what he chose to ask is, "What are you doing?"

They finally reached the other side of the road where Wonho was standing earlier. Hyungwon let go then look at him and said. "What are _you_ doing?"

Wonho gave him a confused look because he doesn't really know what to respond to that.

"You don't get to confess your feelings to me out of nowhere, then, just abandon me in the hospital the next, Wonho!" Hyungwon said, exasperated. "It confuses the hell out of me!"

He was about to defend that Shownu pushed him away. But he can't bring himself to do it. Because he knows, deep down, that he could have always come back, later. But he didn't. He is a coward. And he really shouldn't blame his cowardice to Shownu.

So, he responded, "You're the one who told me to stay away from you."

Hyungwon froze. "I said that?"

Wonho furrows his eyebrows. _He doesn't remember?_

"W-when, why-y did I say that?" Hyungwon stuttered.

 _Does he have anger management issues?_ Wonho thought again.

Wonho read long ago that people with anger management issues sometimes experience memory loss after their sudden outburst. And it somehow makes sense because Hyungwon suddenly acted out of character, that night.

He's also pretty sure that stress is not good for people with those kinds of issues. And looking at Hyungwon right now, he can see that he looks really stressed out.

So, to distract him, Wonho suddenly asked. "Have you eaten, yet?"

Hyungwon stops pacing back and forth and slowly look at him, "What? I mean... no. Not yet."

"Do you want to have lunch together?" Wonho said smiling at him.

Hyungwon didn't reply for a long time. Long enough that Wonho thought he's going to reject him.

But Hyungwon finally smiled back at him then said, "Yeah, I'd like that."

\----

In a short time that he has known Hyungwon, this could actually be the first time they get to have fun together. They didn't talk about their feelings. They didn't talk about what happened that night. They didn't talk about what happened at the hospital. Instead, they are eating at a restaurant; and they are talking about music, movies, their likes, and dislikes.

 _It feels like we are on a date._ Wonho thought for a while but forces it at the back of his head.

"No way! You're actually going to marry a person just because of their ramen cooking abilities?" Hyungwon is saying now.

"Of course not. I'm just saying, that if my soon-to-be-partner doesn't know how to cook such a simple, but magnificent, meal. How can I actually trust him with other bigger and important things?" Wonho defended.

Because Hyungwon doesn't have to know yet about his weird fetish towards ramen.

 _Too early._ Wonho thought.

Hyungwon frowned. Like he tasted something bitter.

"What is it?" Wonho asked.

"Nothing."

"Come on. Are you actually judging me for my preference towards a person?"

"No. Of course not." Hyungwon said quickly. "It's just that one time I cooked ramen and I actually manage for it to taste like a poison. At least that's what Kihyun said." He continued and lowers his head in shame.

"I'm sure it's not that bad," Wonho assured him. But Hyungwon looks like he is still ashamed about what he had just admitted.

So, Wonho tried again. "If it makes you feel better. I'd actually marry you just because I like you and not because of your cooking abilities."

Hyungwon stiffened. Then blushed so hard, he has to swallow an entire chicken drumstick, to hide it.

It took Wonho a while to realize what he had just said. But when he finally did, he was sure that he blushed much harder than Hyungwon.

After a while, he cleared his throat. "Um. Do you want to leave now?"

Hyungwon nodded eagerly at him. And Wonho is glad because he actually wants to escape this place badly. So, they quickly paid and stood up. And when they opened the door, they finally noticed that it was raining hard, now.

"Oh right. I watched on the news earlier that there will be an upcoming storm." Wonho said.

Without warning, Hyungwon suddenly took his hand, lead him through the storm and down the road. Hyungwon is laughing. And it's the first time Wonho has seen him this carefree. So, he smiles and laughs with him even though he's really not fond of the rain.

Their hands are still intertwined with each other even though they already arrive at the footstep of a coffee shop.

And Wonho certainly didn't mind.

Hyungwon faces him, still not letting go of his hand, and smiles at him, then asked. "When did you start liking the rain?"

Wonho gave him a confused look but there was still a hint of a smile on his face. "What?"

"You don't bring an umbrella with you anymore." He replied with a grin.

"Do you want to go for a coffee for a while?" He started to asked.

But then, Wonho looks up at him and saw that Hyungwon was no longer smiling. He has a look on his face like he had seen a ghost. Wonho looks at the direction where Hyungwon is looking but the inside of the coffee shop is full of people.

He feels Hyungwon's hands slip from his fingers.

"I forgot I-I actually have classes during this time," Hyungwon said and he looks terrified. "I need to go. I'm sorry."

Then, he runs away like there is someone chasing him.

 _Have I done something wrong again?_ Wonho wondered.

He was about to follow Hyungwon but then, he felt a hand pats him on his shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" Wonho said making sure to put displeasure in his voice.

The man scoffs and said. "It's good to see you too, son."

 


	16. The Alter

“Hyungwon?” Shownu hesitated as he peeks at the younger boy’s room, worry, clearly written all over his face.

“Yes?” He replied.

Shownu’s expression changes as soon as he heard _his_ voice.

“What are you doing here?” His voice that was just filled with concern is now replaced by accusation and anger.

The boy chuckles at the sudden change of Shownu’s mood, "I can't even deceive you, can I?"

"I'm not here to play games, Alexander," Shownu growls.

Alexander can't help but be amused by how he is being welcomed by the other boy every time he shows up. "I sometimes wonder how can you be so cold to me while looking at Hyungwon's face." He said chuckling again.

Shownu suddenly moves forward and slams Alexander against the wall. "You still didn't answer my question." He said the calmness on his voice is somehow scarier than his growl.

Alexander sigh, then casually untangle himself from the other boy’s grip. He sat down again on the chair he was sitting to a while ago, then crossed his legs, as if he was not threatened just now.

“I don’t know what happened.” He simply stated.

Shownu is still looking at him suspiciously and said, “Are you sure?”

_Shownu knows a lot about me and Hyungwon but he doesn't need to know everything._

So, he scoffs then said, “I’m pretty sure you’re already aware that we have different memories despite having one body. So, yeah, I’m sure.”

“He’s really far away though. Like he is hiding.” The alter said again.

Shownu was quiet as if he's trying to comprehend what's happening. He knows that the last time this happened, it was Alexander who was far away. And Alexander is pretty sure that Shownu is also aware that it is dangerous for either of them to be too far away.

"Isn't it dangerous? For him to be in hiding like that?" He said after a while.

_Figures._

"Yes," Alexander replied. "That's why you have to be prepared into treating me better, Hyung." He said mockingly because Alexander and Shownu are basically just the same age.

Shownu glared at him.

"Jeez, I'm joking. Chill out, will you?" The boy laughs but turns serious and said, "You know I'm not evil, right?"

The other boy just shrugs at him but didn't say anything.

"Just like you, I'm also here to protect him. That's the sole purpose why I exist in the first place." He speaks, again.

But Shownu still didn't respond.

Alexander sigh, he stood up and lays on the bed then stares at the ceiling. After a while he tries again, "You know I'm the first one you met and not Hyungwon, right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter but it is still one of the most important chapters in the story. Meet Alexander, y'all. Hyungwon's alter.
> 
> What do think of him? Is he good? Or evil?


	17. First Meeting

**SHOWNU'S POV**

_I am sitting by the playground, crying. I fell on the ground while trying to reach for the monkey bar. But I am not crying because of the fall. I am crying because I am now being surrounded by a bunch of older kids and they are laughing at me._

_Growing up not knowing who your parents are is hard. But growing up in an orphanage when you're already fourteen and no one still wants to adopt you is much harder. Many kids say it's because I am too fat and my skin color is not the typical white you see in almost all the other kids in this country._

_It doesn't matter anymore though; I already gave up on being adopted a long time ago. I am just waiting to turn eighteen at this point, so, I can finally be free to live on my own. This place is just like my prison cell, now._

_"Look at him! He looks pitiful." A boy said laughing and the other kids laugh with him._

_"Has your mother told you before that you're cute with a body like that? Well, guess what? She was lying!" Another boy said to me._

_I can now feel the anger rushing through me as hot tears are coming down my face. My hands are now formed into a fist, ready to fight back. But suddenly somebody yelled at them._

_"Leave him alone!"_

_It's the new kid who came a few days ago. No one knows what really happened to him but it looks pretty bad. Some say he's already fourteen just like me. But he's so malnourished that he looks like he just turned ten this year. His whole body is filled with bruises, too._

_His presence didn't even intimidate the bullies. They just found a new target and they are now laughing at him because of his useless braveness. But he still moves towards us and offers his hand to me; his grip is surprisingly strong and stable when he pulled me up._

_"Are you okay?" He asked me._

_I was about to answer when a boy taller than me approaches us and push the new kid away causing him to fall on the ground._

_"What are you doing? You're ruining the fun!" He said to him._

_The new kid glares at him. He stood up and walk towards us again, then pulled the boy by the collar of his shirt and their eyes are now on the same level._

_"You know where the woman, who used to push me around, is now?" He said in a voice that only the ones who are in a close distance with him could hear. "She's dead. Because I killed her."_

_The boy looks at him like he doesn't believe him. But there is a look in the new kid's eyes that made him peed in his pants._

_He's not lying._

_The boy struggles to escape from the new kid’s grip, then he scrambled to his feet and run away. The bunch of kids all ran away too when the new kid glared at them._

_He's not just intimidating now. He looks evil._

_I was about to run away too when he looked at me. But his eyes suddenly softened._

_"Are you okay?" He asked me again._

_I just nod my head at him while my eyes are widened in fear._

_He extends his arms and shakes my hand but he didn't say anything._

_"I'm Shownu." I said after a while._

_"I'm Alexander." He replies with a smile._

\----

I learned a few days after that that he wasn't the original owner of the body. And I thought for a long time that Alexander was a ghost who possessed Hyungwon's body from time to time.

_But I know better now._

"I know." I replied after a while. "I believe you."

The rumor that Alexander killed someone spread throughout the orphanage. Many kids feared him. But not me, he saved me from them, after all. Besides, the bullies left me alone after that because I am friends with him.

But that doesn't mean I fully trust him. He killed a woman, after all.

"Good. Because I need your help." Alexander said.

I look at him furrowing my eyebrows. "With what?"

"I need you to help me make Wonho stay away from Hyungwon." He replies.


	18. Inner Voice

**(WARNING: MENTION OF SUICIDES)**

When the doctor first told him that the voices he hears, inside his head, are not the same thing as normal people hear; he just stared blankly at her.

He was sixteen years old back then and he was brought to the hospital because he had another suicide attempt.

_“I don’t understand.” He said. “I mean, I’m sure it’s not any different from what everybody else has. Just your internal monologue… your inner thoughts. The same as anyone else.”_

_“Can you give me an example of what kind of voices you hear.”_

_“Well, talking to yourself when you’ve done something wrong. And another part of you would be very upset about it. Like, two different parts of your consciousness having arguments about what you should do...”_

_But Hyungwon can see in her eyes that the more he explains, the more she gets confused._

_“Hyungwon, that’s not how the inner voice works.” She finally said and looked down at him with pity._

Hyungwon knows before that that he was already an outcast. Shownu, his only friend, was able to leave the orphanage a few months earlier that year because he finally turned eighteen. And the kids there don’t really want to be friends with Hyungwon because they thought he was weird.

But then, the doctor told him that he just became ten times weirder because, apparently, he’s not normal at all.

But what scared Hyungwon the most is that, after he’d become aware that what he experiences aren’t the same as everyone else; it feels like the voices in his head somehow became self-aware, as well.

He started noticing how much he was losing time. And he started paying more attention to the voices he hears, that before, he just perceived as normal.

And he was absolutely terrified.

He remembers spending his night, alone, crying because he feels like he was starting to lose control of his own body.

And at some point, he tried to stop thinking about it. Because, he thought that the more he thinks of it, the stronger and louder it becomes. And he also felt like he couldn’t talk to someone about it because he’ll be sent off to a crazy place. Or if he told someone, it would just get worse and he would lose control.

He doesn’t know what to do because what he experiences are just what he sees in horror movies. And he hasn’t heard anything like it except cases like schizophrenia. He really had no idea what was going on.

So, he started pretending that it wasn’t happening. In his day to day life, he would try to pretend it was just a fantasy he was having. He thought that if he could just stop talking and thinking about it, it would just go away.

_But, obviously, it didn’t._

When he finally turned eighteen and started university. It all started to become more intense, upstairs, inside his head. He started losing not only hours but days. His friends and flatmates, at that time, didn’t know where he had gone. He’s missing a lot of lectures and seminars. Missing important meetings, he had planned.

It was very stressful and frustrating.

Because he would remember getting up in the morning and get ready for school, but all of a sudden, he would be back in his bed with his pajamas on; and it would be already dark outside. And he had, yet again, missed the whole day.

It also didn’t help that the university started to notice and said that if he didn’t get better quickly, they will have to force him to leave and they will take away his scholarship because he wasn’t fit to study.

He felt like his life was going to hell.

He finally had the chance to make something of himself and to experience some kind of freedom and independence after leaving the orphanage. But during that time, he felt like he was in a very dark place, instead.

His depression had gotten worse. And within a month, he already had another three suicide attempts and a week, after that, the friends he made at the university started disappearing one by one. All the while, he was still losing time and control over his body.

And that made him feel like he was also losing control of his future, of his life, and of his relationships. Everything.

His alters began switching out and openly expresses themselves without considering its host. Which is what Hyungwon is the most afraid of. Him, being mistaken as another person. So, this eventually became a trigger for him to have one more suicide attempt that involves the police for he was reported missing.

And that’s when Shownu found him and he was taken to the hospital.

He hated himself as much as he hated what’s happening to him. But knew that he can’t continue being this way. He realized that he needs help before it was too late. So, he started looking for a psychiatrist or a therapist that could help him deal with the voices he hears. He also decided to agree to move in with Shownu so they can live together and his hyung can look after him.

After a few months of therapy, he was officially diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. And after some time, he actually came to understand that what’s happening inside his head is a coping mechanism that allows him to live normally despite having a traumatic childhood. And it's not something he should be afraid of.

Of course, even though that was three years ago and he is now twenty-one. He still wishes to be normal like other people.

_Like, right now._

Because he woke up again without knowing what really happened. He remembers that he felt anxious and scared. He remembers that he was running away. But he doesn’t know why and from whom.

 “Hyung, what happened? I couldn’t remember getting back home.” Hyungwon asked Shownu while he sits upright in his bed.

“Well, Alexander came out again and, you know, he just came back here had some rest like usual.” He replied, looking everywhere but at the younger boy’s eyes.

_Is hyung trying to hide something from me?_

“Was that all?” Hyungwon asked suspiciously.

“Yes. Of c-course.” Shownu said looking and smiling at Hyungwon but quickly averted his eyes, again.

_Why is he lying?_

As much as Hyungwon appreciates that there is someone else inside him that can deal with the traumatic experiences he had. He still can’t help but get mad sometimes for having it. Because it feels like there is this big secret that everyone knows of except him.

_Like, right now._


	19. Good Enough

**MINHYUK'S POV**

Wonho told me a few days ago that he was surprised that I'm not acting like he thought I would after Changkyun and Jooheon broke up.

I don't know if I should be offended because he's thinking that I'm the kind of person that would pursue a friend, one week after he broke up with his ex. Or be worried because Wonho seems to not know anything about me, _his_ best friend.

And don't get me wrong. It's not like I've already given up or stop liking Jooheon or something. I just think that he's not ready to enter again into a new relationship. Especially, if it would be with me. Because he's not even aware that I have feelings for him.

I'm being considerate.

And in my defense, I actually became very busy because of the upcoming celebration of our college days. And I passed the audition to become one of the characters in a musical play. And I've been stressing out since then because I can't seem to perfect the part that I'll be singing.

I heard a loud clap that interrupted my practice and my thoughts.

I glance up and saw that it was Mark.

Mark Tuan is one of my co-actors in our school play but he's also my classmate in some of the subjects I take, so I know him pretty well.

"What are you still doing here?" I asked him.

We're in the theater room but our practice already ended about half an hour ago.

"I was actually about to leave when I saw that you're still here, practicing." He replied.

"I can't do my part well that's why I decided to practice a bit more." I explained.

"Hey, don't diminish your progress just because it's not perfect." He encouraged me when he saw the sad look in my eyes. "Besides, I was watching you the whole time and I can tell that you are really good at it."

I smiled at him then blushed a little.

Mark is a really cool guy. He thinks before speaking and doesn't make careless remarks even if he doesn't agree with you. A total opposite of me. But that's what I actually like about him. He complements me in a way.

"Thanks. That's really sweet of you." I said shyly.

"Do you have time to have lunch now, since, you've been informed that you're already good enough?"

"That's really a bad way to asked someone out." I said, laughing at him.

"I know. That's why I'm asking _you_." He said.

I don't know whether that's a compliment. But I know for sure that Mark is not interested in guys, let alone with someone like me. So, I just shrug it off and agreed to have lunch with him.

\----

As we were walking in the school cafeteria, I suddenly spotted Jooheon sitting alone at a table.

"Oh, fuck me." I muttered.

"Hey, wait here a sec. I'll just talk to my friend." I said to Mark then run towards Jooheon.

"Jooheon! I'm so sorry I forgot!"

I promised Jooheon a while ago that I will eat lunch with him, today. But because of all the practicing that we did, I totally forgot about it.

"Clearly." He replied while looking at a guy who's approaching us, Mark.

"Hey, Jooheon." Mark greeted.

"You know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're clubmates." Mark replied. "I didn't know you're also friends with him."

"Yeah. Actually, we were supposed to be having our lunch together." I replied.

"Oh. We're just about to grab lunch. You can just sit with us, then." Mark said towards him.

"It's fine. I don't want to bother your little date." Jooheon said sarcastically. "Besides, I already had lunch. I'm really tired of waiting for people who are always late"

"Jooheon," I started to say. But he already got up at the table and left without even saying goodbye or glancing at me.

_What was that?_

I know Jooheon is a sensitive person and he always gets sulky. But the way he acted just now...

 _Is he jealous?_ I thought but quickly brushed it off. Because I'll probably act that way too if Wonho did the same to me.

_Ugh. How can I be so stupid?_

"Hey, are you okay?" Mark said causing me to pull out of my thoughts.

"Yeah." I said still staring at where Jooheon had gone.

"It's okay. You can just approach him later and apologize. But first have lunch, you deserve it." He said then smiled at me.

Mark is right. I live with Jooheon, anyway. So, I can just talk to him later. Besides, I'm already starving and we only have a few minutes left before our next class. So, I smiled at him, grab lunch with him, and responds and nods at the right places of his stories and questions.

But all the while, I was thinking that if ever I will ask Jooheon out...

_Will I be good enough for him?_


	20. Totally Wrong

**SHOWNU'S POV**

I scan the school cafeteria for a familiar face. But it took me a while to spot him because the canteen for business majors is bigger than the engineering ones.

"Hey. Can I sit with you?" I said when I finally spotted him sitting alone at one of the tables.

He glanced up and his eyes widened, clearly, not expecting me. "Hyung, hi. Hyungwon is not here, he's working at the library, right now."

"I know that." I replied smiling at him then sits down at the opposite side of him. "I came here to see you."

Kihyun's eyes widen again. "W-what do you n-need me f-for, hyung?" He said stuttering.

_Cute._

I cleared my throat. Not really knowing what I want to say to him.

"This is probably a weird question but... Have you noticed if Hyungwon is interested in Wonho?"

His face changes when he heard me and let out a low _Oh..._

"Do you feel threatened because of Wonho-hyung?" He asked.

I laugh.

"What?" I asked confused. "Why would I be threatened?"

I saw as Kihyun got confused as well.

"Uhm... You know because you like Hyungwon and all..." He said, unsure. "Don't you?"

I stared at him, somehow bewildered by what he just said.

"It's okay." Kihyun continued immediately. "I'm good at keeping secrets. I won't say anything."

_No. He doesn't get it._

Because I already felt a lot of things towards Hyungwon. But liking him romantically is not one of them.

\-----

_It only had been two days since I met Alexander but I already felt happier than all of the years I spent in the orphanage. I have someone whom I can laugh with and someone who can actually make me smile._

_I am now on my way to wake him up so we can eat breakfast. I noticed that he always had a hard time waking up in the morning. And even though he already slept for more than ten hours. He still complains about his constant headaches._

_"Alexander! Come on wakeup breakfast is ready!" I said loudly as soon as I entered the room. As usual, there is still no response._

_This kid really sleeps like a corpse. I thought._

_So, I approached him and shakes him hard. "Come on! I'm already hungry! The food will be gone in no time!"_

_He finally opened his eyes. Then immediately sits up then stared at me with fear._

_"What?" I asked him, confused._

_"Who are you? Where am I?" He said in a low but panicking voice._

_I furrowed my eyebrows. "Alexander, I am not in the mood for your stupid games. I. am. hungry." I whined._

_"Who is Alexander? My name is Hyungwon." He replied in almost a whisper._

I am ready to retaliate when I suddenly saw tears building up in the corner of his eyes.

_"For real?" I whispered at him._

_The door opened and Sister Margareta came in. "What are you still doing here? You shouldn't let your food wait for you."_

_"Sister," I said. "I think there is something wrong with him."_

_I don't know what to call him anymore. Alexander? Hyungwon?_

_Sister Margareta observes Hyungwon for a while. Then, she decided that Hyungwon needs to see a doctor for a checkup because he has a high fever._

_I learned an hour after that that his real name is Hyungwon and he is just twelve years old. Not Alexander and fourteen._

_Was he possessed by a ghost for the past two days he was with me? I thought then shivered._

_Hyungwon is somehow the opposite of Alexander. He's shy and weak while Alexander is sarcastic and strong._

_We're now at the playground and Hyungwon is sitting at one of the swings, when the older guys suddenly approached him._

_"What's wrong kiddo? Fought with your boyfriend?" One of the guys said and the others laugh._

_That 'boyfriend' is me. I was trying to avoid being near him for over a week, now. And I am back at being alone. The older boys don't even tease me anymore because they found a new target. Hyungwon._

_But I can't just let them do that. Hyungwon's body was still the one who defended me from these bullies. And I can't just leave him especially now that he can't defend himself from them._

_"Leave him alone!" I said._

_"Oh, there he is!" The boy said when he saw me approaching and glaring at them._

_He suddenly grabs the collar of my shirt. "What are you going to do about it, lover boy."_

_My lips are on a thin line. I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to defend Hyungwon._

_Fortunately, one of the sisters saw us and approached us._

_"What is happening here?!" She asked in a firmed voice._

_The boy quickly let go of me. "Nothing, Sister. I was just playing with him. Isn't that right Hyunwoo?" He asked me with a smirk._

_I just nodded then lowered my head._

_"That better be right, Mister." She said and gave us a warning look then left._

_I was afraid that they would just continue after she left. But they miraculously leave us alone as well after that._

_Maybe, it's because of Alexander… I mean, Hyungwon and I are oddly stronger when we're together_.

_So, I reached out my hand towards him. And he just stared at me for a long time before deciding to lend his own hand and shakes it._

_"I'm Shownu." I said with a smile._

_"I'm Hyungwon." He said but didn't smile back unlike Alexander._

 

\-----

There was a long silence. I don't know what to say or how to say it. So, I asked him instead.

"Where and when did you get that idea from?"

 

Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. "Well, when I had dinner with you. You know, when you said that you don't want me to get the wrong idea? I assumed that you already like Hyungwon that's why, you know, you stop me from kissing you that day." He said shyly.

"I thought there is this popular saying among accountancy students that _you shouldn't assume unless stated_."

Kihyun blushed when he heard me say that.

"Then, why did you say that to me? You also said that you don't want Hyungwon to know about it" He said pouting.

_God, he's really cute._

I had no choice but to clear things up and explain some things to him.

"Hyungwon and I grew up together in an orphanage. We don't have any friends but we have each other. As you know, Hyungwon is not really used to people approaching him and there are a lot of instances where he was left behind.

When I said I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I am afraid that you will assume _that._ Me, having feelings for Hyungwon. I am afraid that it would cost us problems in the future if we really do have a chance to end up together. And I am afraid that someday you would let me choose between you and him. Because I won't be able to explain why I care so much towards him. I am also afraid of the possibility that I could actually choose you over Hyungwon." I said and let out a deep sigh.

Kihyun just stared at me for a long time. And after some time he said. "Wow... you really thought all of that at that moment?"

Of course not. I already thought about it a million times after Hyungwon's last attempt. I gave up a lot of things because of Hyungwon. And being in a relationship is one of them. But I don't blame him for that, it was my decision, after all. I'm just afraid that when the time comes, I will resent him from choosing it and it will cost for me to leave him behind, too.

But instead of saying all those things to Kihyun, I just choose to smile at him.

"I still don't get it." He said again. "Why did you asked me to keep it a secret from Hyungwon, then?"

"Because I don't want him to know that I am suddenly hitting on his friend, fifteen minutes after he left the house, you idiot."

"Oh... Oh..." Kihyun said and let out a laugh when he had finally realized where I am coming from.

"Besides, I actually like to think of myself as Hyungwon's father from time to time." I admitted.

Kihyun smiled so wide his eyes are almost invisible.

"What is it?" I asked but I am also smiling.

"Nothing." He replied. "It's just that... Hyungwon often says that I nagged at him like I am his mother."

Then we both blushed at that.

And after some time, Kihyun cleared his throat. "So, now that we cleared both of our sides. Why did you ask me about Hyungwon and Wonho?"

_Oh, right._

"Well, you know. As Hyungwon's closest friend, I need to know if Wonho is actually good for Hyungwon. And since you know both of them, I thought it would be nice if you could advise me about it." I tried to reason out.

Kihyun lips formed into a thin line, trying to think of how to respond. "I just met Wonho three weeks ago. But as far as I can see, he's a great guy. And if Hyungwon is actually interested in him, don't you think it's actually nice to know that there is someone who can actually make him happy? Or, that there is someone who wants to make him happy?"

_He's right. But I already thought about that._

"Besides, you know them both longer than I do. So why do you need to ask me, when you could just ask yourself." He said then smiled sweetly at me.

He's right. And I already thought about that, as well. I’m just afraid that somewhere along the way I might regret this. For thinking something that is totally wrong.


	21. Not Real

It’s been a long time since he went to this place. Because he doesn’t like being here. Too quiet. Too pretentious.

 _Who person is in his right mind wants to be in the campus library, anyway?_ He thought.

The only reason why he’s here now is that he needs to find a book to use as a reference for the project, he has with Shownu. But he can’t seem to find that book.

“Do you need help?”

Wonho suddenly turned around when he heard his voice. And he came face to face with a smiling Hyungwon.

It’s been another week since they last saw each other. And because of that incident where Hyungwon suddenly acted strange again and left him behind, Wonho decided that it’s time for him to stop pursuing his feelings for the younger boy.

Anger management issues or not, he’s tired of always chasing someone who is clearly not interested in him.

“It’s fine I can manage.” Wonho said avoiding his eyes.

The smile that was on Hyungwon’s face faltered and is replaced by a frown.

“What’s wrong?” He asked Wonho.

“What are you even doing here?” Wonho asked harshly, that made Hyungwon take a step back.

“I work here as student aid. For my scholarship” He replied in a whisper.

_Of course. He’s just trying to do his job._

“Find me that book, then. So, I can leave this place immediately.” Wonho said as he passed on the paper where Shownu wrote the title of the book.

“Okay. Follow me.” Hyungwon said leading him to the reference section of the library.

As they are passing by shelves after shelves of books, Wonho can feel Hyungwon’s eyes on him. And he’s doing everything in his power to not look back.

They reached another shelf and Hyungwon stops and picked out a book then walked by the counter and processed Wonho’s borrowing application. When it was finished Hyungwon handed him the book.

 “Here you go.” He said.

“Thanks.” Wonho said still not looking at Hyungwon.

He was about to walk away when Hyungwon stops him.

“I will have my lunch break, soon. Have you eaten, yet?” Hyungwon asked.

Wonho finally looks at Hyungwon’s face, trying to see if this is what he thinks it is.

“Not yet…” He replied hesitantly.

“Do you want to have lunch together?” Hyungwon said.

And even though Wonho already decided that he would stop having feelings for him. There is something in the younger boy’s eyes that he can’t say no to.

So, he nods.

_Dammit, I nod._

\---

They are now walking on a street a little farther in the university they go to. They even took a bus on the way here. And even though Wonho wants to ask Hyungwon where they’re going, he can’t bring himself to do it because the silence between them feels like he’s at peace and he doesn’t want to be the one to break it.

“Can I hold your hand?” It comes out of Hyungwon’s mouth so fast, it seems like he knows he shouldn’t be saying it, much less doing it.

But Wonho just nod.

_Dammit, I nod._

And he felt as Hyungwon hesitantly reached out for his hand and intertwined their fingers together.

“Is this, okay?” Hyungwon asked again.

_Of course, it is._

Because even though he can feel that his heart is pounding hard against his chest, he still can’t help but noticed that holding Hyungwon’s hand is the most comfortable and natural thing he ever felt.

And he wants to curse himself for it. He wants to move on and forget whatever feelings he has for Hyungwon. But every time he does it, Hyungwon will do something that makes him draw back to where he wants to be. The rightful place he needs to be.

So, he just chooses to nod again. But this time, instead of cursing himself. He just let himself be at ease.

Hyungwon suddenly pulls Wonho’s hand preventing the older boy from walking. Wonho looks at him worried. But he saw that he’s just an old building where a lot of kids are running around. An orphanage.

Hyungwon pointed at it. “That’s where Shownu-hyung and I grew up, together.” He said at Wonho.

Wonho didn’t know that. Of course, he didn’t know that. And there are still a lot of things he doesn’t know about Hyungwon. But he decided that it’s time for him to know more about the younger boy.

 “What is it like? To live in an orphanage?” Wonho asked.

“I don’t know. My parents died when I was still young. So, I don’t really know the difference between having one and having none.” Hyungwon replied.

“I’m sorry.” Wonho said.

“No. It’s fine.” Hyungwon said smiling at him. “I brought here because I want you to know more about me.” He continued.

“Actually, I brought you here so we could eat at my favorite eatery nearby. Shownu-hyung and I used to sneak around there whenever we’re sick of the food here at the orphanage.”  Hyungwon said with a fond on his face like he’s trying to remember the old times.

“Let’s go there, then.” Wonho said. “I would love to know what your favorite food is.”

“There is no ramyeon there, though” Hyungwon said teasingly.

“Oh man. I’m already disappointed.” Wonho said trying to sound like it but he knows he already smiling from ear to ear, like an idiot.

As they resume walking again, they passed by a playground that made the blood drain from Wonho’s face. It’s now his time to stop on his tracks and stare at it wide-eyed.

“Oh, this playground is where Shownu-hyung and I first met.” Hyungwon tried to explain.

 “What’s wrong?” He asked when he glanced at Wonho’s expression.

Wonho’s head hurts so bad. Like he’s trying to remember something he couldn’t. This playground is not just familiar. It’s the exact playground he has seen many times in his dreams.

Which is odd because it’s the first time he’s been here. Or so, he was told.

“Wonho, what’s wrong?” Hyungwon asked again, worry can clearly be heard in his voice.

Hyungwon touches Wonho’s face, trying to make Wonho look at him.

“What is it?” He asked again.

Wonho’s trying to regain control over his mind and emotion.

 _It’s just a dream. It’s not real._ He keeps repeating the words to himself, like a mantra.

“I’m fine. I just had a little headache. I’m okay.” He replied but more to himself than to Hyungwon.

“Are you sure?” Hyungwon asked again. “We could just go back to the city if you really don’t feel well.”

“No. No. Let’s have lunch. I’m fine” Wonho said trying to smile at Hyungwon.

 _It’s just a dream. It’s not real._ He said to himself again but with more determination and eagerness this time.


	22. Close Enough

**Kihyun's POV**

"Changkyun-ah?" I called through the apartment. "Are you home?"

I sighed in exasperation when I almost tripped over one of his shoes walking through the doorway... _again._

"Changkyun!" I called out again. But there is still no sign of him. So, I decided to just go straight to his room.

"Yah! How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your shoes at the front door!" I nag when I saw him lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

But instead of answering, he just stared at me for a while then brought the blanket all the way up to his head.

It's been two weeks since the two of them broke up. And it's also has been two weeks since he's been like this. 

_Poor boy. He must have loved him very much._

Just then, a great idea comes to mind.

"Changkyun! Do you want to go to a party?"

"No." He replied, barely audible.

I should have expected that. The only thing he does lately is just attending his lectures. But I can't back down now.

"Come on! It's Friday night. We always go to parties on Fridays." I said.

I heard him let out a deep sighed.

"Whose party is it?" He replied. Finally removing the blanket from himself and sat on his bed.

"Jackson's." I said grinning.

He glared at me. Because he knows that I know that Jackson and Jooheon are close friends. Meaning, Jooheon will be there at the party, too.

But that's actually the plan. Jooheon _needs_ to be there.

"Come on! I'm tired of seeing you this miserable! I'll help you two get back together if that's the last thing I need to do. So, you can finally stop being this way."

I don't know why I'm suddenly playing Cupid, for the two of them. Maybe, it's because Shownu-hyung and I are really getting somewhere for the past few days. And I can feel like it would just be a matter of time before one of us asks the other one out.

And I want Changkyun to be a supportive friend when that happens. I don't want him to be that friend who's bitter just because his own relationship didn't end well.

***

**Changkyun's POV**

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed and watch him for a while, contemplating what I should do. If I were smarter, I would have just agreed and got myself ready for the party. If I were smarter, I wouldn't be opening my mouth, preparing myself to let these words out of my chest.

If I were smarter...

"S-stop." I said with my voice cracking.

"Wha-? Hey, are you crying?" He asked then immediately sits beside me then rub my lower back to comfort me.

"No." I replied in defense. I didn't even notice that there are now tears building up my eyes.

"Stop it, now." He said with a soothing voice. 

"No! You stop it!" I said

He was taken aback from my sudden anger.

"I'm done hiding! I'm done trying!" I continued even though I know don't make sense at all.

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"I never thought love could be anything like this..." I should really stop talking, now. But it seems like living in this apartment made me this stupid.

"Why do you think I'm always in Sunbaenim's apartment, Kihyun?" I asked, looking at him hard in the eyes.

If he had just rolled his eyes at me and say it's because I'm an idiot who fell madly in love. I would have just had forced a laugh and just agree with him.

But, unfortunately, none of it happened.

Instead, he muttered, "Why?"

That's why I had to open my stupid mouth again and tell him the truth, "It's because of you."

\-----

_This is it. College. New school. New friends. New apartment. New life._

_I took a deep breath then knock at the door._

_It was immediately opened by a young man wearing an apron; holding a broom on his right hand, and holding a spatula on his left._

_"Uhm. Hi. I'm Lim Changkyun. I will be the other one who will occupy one of the rooms here?” I greeted._

_"Oh yes! Come in. I'm Yoo Kihyun, I will be your roommate." He said. "I would have shaken your hand but I'm kind of busy, right now."_

_I snorted "Oh. I can see that. And it’s fine. Do you need help?"_

_"Oh no. Please feel at home, first. You just got here." He replied._

_I smiled. Thank God he's kind and considerate._

_"What major do you take and what year are you in, by the way?" He asked before walking into the kitchen._

_"It's my first year in college tomorrow. I'll take up music literature." I replied. "What about you?"_

_"That's nice. I will be in my 3rd year and I'm a business major." He responded._

_I suddenly bowed lowly. "I'm sorry hyung! I didn't know!"_

_I didn't grow up here in Korea. But I know being respectful is a big deal here. You have to bow and greet every Sunbae you meet. And you have to be formal even though they are only a year older than you._

_That's their culture. And there's nothing wrong with being respectful. So, I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to blend in._

_He looks at me in shock. Then, he laughs so hard he almost toppled over. "Oh my. You should have seen your face! It's hilarious!”_

_After he recovered, he continued. “Just call me Kihyun. And you don't have to speak formally to me. We will always see each other and it’s more awkward if we talk in honorifics." Then grin at me._

_We are living harmoniously. He cooks while I clean the house. And we easily got comfortable with one another._

_Close enough that he already nags at me, one week after we first met._

_"How many times do I have to tell you that the sponge on the right is for the plates and the one on the left is for the sink!"_

_I can say that an organized person. But Kihyun is a total clean freak. He wants everything in order. He wants everything to be spotless. And he always nags at me whenever I didn't meet his expectations. He nags too much about everything._

_Like a mother._

_But there are few more things worse than Kihyun's nagging._

_That is his sense of timing._

_When a month has already passed by since the semester began; he suddenly walked into the living room, in the middle of the night, and saw me naked while I was playing video games._

_"Yah! What are you doing?! Put some clothes on!" He screamed in shock._

_I guess growing up in the States made me liberated and confident with my body. That's the culture. And I embraced it._

_But that still didn't give me an explanation as to why there is a growing erection at the lower part of my body when I saw him looking at me._

\----

“You think you like me because I gave you goddamn boner?!”

That’s the first thing that came out of Kihyun’s mouth after I told him how I feel.

But he obviously doesn’t get it.

Usually, I'm a person who prefers being alone and rarely cares what people think of me. But since I met him, I had this weird feeling that I always want to be with him. And he seems like the kind of person that I want to impress the most.

“But wait. It still doesn’t make sense. Your story still didn’t explain why you’re always at Jooheon’s apartment.” He said.

“Because I’m trying to avoid you.” I said. “Because I don’t want to be around you.”

“Because you don’t want me to give you another boner incident?” Kihyun interrupted in an amused tone.

“When will you ever take me seriously, Kihyun?” I said, exasperated.

“I’m sorry. It’s just hard to understand.” He replied. “You were with Jooheon this whole time. How can you suddenly say that you like me? I am supposed to be your best friend.”

The way he said it makes it look like I just used Sunbae. But I didn’t. It’s hard to explain. But I did like Jooheon sunbae. He’s caring, kind and cute. But as time goes by, I realized that I just see him as my older brother. And that I really like Kihyun, more.

But I don’t think I want to like him, anymore.

I stood up. Ready to leave.

“Where are you going?” He said in confusion.

“If I’ll explain myself, will you even try to understand?” I said in reply.


	23. Never Dream

Hyungwon always knew that he's uncomfortable being surrounded by strangers. But he never considered that he's probably claustrophobic, until now.

A part of him wants to run away and never do this again. But another part of him is glad that he's here, right now.

_At a party. With new friends. And with Wonho._

He never dreamed that he would actually get to experience this. Or if it ever crossed his mind before, he probably already stopped himself from imagining it.

\-----

_"Be sure not to drink too much. Or don't drink at all if that's possible. And call me right away if something unusual happens." Shownu said again for the 3rd time tonight._

_Wonho invited Hyungwon yesterday, while they were having lunch, to a house party._

_And Shownu is really worried about him. Even though Hyungwon already assured his hyung multiple times that he'll be fine._

_But honestly? Hyungwon is really nervous, as well._

_He is unsure if it was right for him to agree on this. But one thing's for sure, Alexander doesn't approve this._

_"Oh, come on. It's a freaking college night out." Jooheon suddenly interrupted as he rolls his eyes. "Not seeing your beloved daughter off to prom!"_

_Minhyuk chuckled. And Wonho shot both of them a warning look._

_Wonho and his friends dropped by Shownu and Hyungwon's apartment to fetch the younger because Wonho thought that it would be nice to go together._

_"Don't worry Hyunwoo-sshi. We'll make sure Hyungwon will be safe. And he'll just get to enjoy the whole night." Minhyuk said to Shownu._

_"Okay, then. I trust Wonho to take care of him, anyway." Shownu said._

_"Don't worry. He's safe with us." Wonho said reassuringly._

_Wonho looked at the younger boy and smiled at him fondly. "Are you ready?"_

_"Y-yeah." Hyungwon managed to respond shakily._

_"Come on, love birds! We don't have all night!" Jooheon called out. "Hyungwon will be okay!"_

_But they don't know that. Hyungwon thought but quickly shakes his head to let go of it._

_"Are you okay?" Wonho asked him again. But he must have thought that his reaction was based on Joohoen's behavior. "Don't worry about him. He's being bitter because he just broke up with his ex, two weeks ago."_

_And Hyungwon couldn't help but chuckle._

_He's going to be fine. He's with Wonho after all. And he's sure nothing bad will happen as long as Hyungwon is with him._

\-----

But seeing all these people right now makes it difficult to breathe. As if the air is non-existent in this room.

It's certainly not helping that people can easily push him around, too. Which cause him to lose Wonho for the second time tonight.

 _How do people manage to enjoy this?_ He thought as he finally got to squeeze himself free into the crowd dancing in the living room

"Hey, are you okay?" Wonho said approaching him with concern.

"Yeah." The younger managed to say breathlessly. "Can I go at the back for a while? I just need to get some fresh air."

Wonho accompanied him and led him away outside. But he brought them to the front door instead of the back.

"You probably don't want to go there in the backyard. That's where smokers and people who want to make out hang out." He explains.

 Fresh midnight air hit their faces and Hyungwon finally gets to breathe properly again. He let out a deep sigh. Then reach out for Wonho's hand and casually intertwined their fingers together.

"You're always doing that, lately." Wonho stated as they stood side by side looking at the stars up in the sky.

"What?"

"You always hold my hand." He clarified then looks at Hyungwon with big innocent eyes like Wonho is trying to search for something. And this is making the butterflies in Hyungwon's stomach go insane.

Hyungwon, honestly, doesn't know when this became his new normal. Like it's already an instinct. Like it's in his nature to hold Wonho's hands every time he has the chance.

"W-well, y-you're nice a-and comforting." Hyungwon replied while struggling to keep his voice steady, "But I can always stop if you want me to."

"No," Wonho replied immediately. "I want to continue. I mean, I like holding your hand and keeping you close... it's just that, I'm afraid that one day, you'll suddenly disappear, again."

It's Hyungwon's turn to look at Wonho with searching eyes. "Again?"

"I don't know." He said.

"Does this bore you? The party?" Wonho asked trying to change the subject.

"What? No." Hyungwon said. "It's just that it's my first time and I'm not really used to this kind of thing."

"Don't you get an invite from your friends to these kinds of things?"

"I thought you noticed by now that I don't really have friends to do that," Hyungwon said, chuckling.

"Oh," Wonho said then blushed a little. 

"As for me, I always get bored whenever I go to parties like this." He said again after a while.

Hyungwon eyes him curiously, "Why is that?"

"Ironically, I feel more alone whenever I'm hanging out with a bunch of people." He sadly confessed. "I mean, Joohoen is always with Changkyun. And Minhyuk is always roaming around looking for them."

"Do you feel alone right now?"

"No. Why would I be? I have you." Wonho said as he tightens his hold on Hyungwon's hands.

Hyungwon is obviously not an expert on love. And he always wondered how do couples know when is the right time to do romantic things. Like for instance, the perfect time to kiss.

But looking at Wonho, now. He feels like it is the perfect time to do it even though he's not really sure why.

He slowly turns into Wonho's direction, making them face to face with one another. And they are now looking into each other's eyes deeply. Wonho's other hand went to Hyungwon's face and caresses it.

Hyungwon can feel both of them shaking from the cold. But his were mix with nervousness and fear. 

 

Hyungwon can also feel the hot breath that is coming out of Wonho's mouth as they are now just inches apart.

They were about to kiss when a voice suddenly interrupted them.

"I would probably go to the back porch if I were you."

It's Changkyun.

Hyungwon suddenly detached himself from Wonho. He was not sure if he should get mad or be embarrassed for being caught.

 _We almost kissed._ He thought to himself.

"Hey, Changkyun. Where is Kihyun?" Wonho asked.

Changkyun visibly flinched when he heard Kihyun's name.

"Am I his keeper?" He replied harshly then walked past them and went straight inside the house.

"What was that?" Hyungwon asked Wonho wide-eyed.

"That's Jooheon's ex. And he's probably still not taking it well." Wonho said loud whispering at him.

"Changkyun is Jooheon's ex?" Hyungwon asked shocked.

"You know him?" Wonho asked.

"Yes! He's with Kihyun when I was at the hospital. He also took care of me while I was there. And I thought based on his actions, Kihyun is the one he likes."

Wonho expression changes when he heard this.

"What's wrong?" Hyungwon asked concerned.

"Nothing. It's just that. I realized that I still didn't get to apologize for suddenly leaving you and not coming back after you woke up that day."

Hyungwon smiled sweetly at him and brought their hands together again. Shownu already explained to him that Wonho was there the whole time he was unconscious. And it was enough for him to know that.

"You don't have to say sorry. I already know what happened. And I completely understand." Hyungwon said to him.

"But still, I'm sorry." Wonho insisted. "That was selfish of me."

Hyungwon may not know anything about love but he knows selfishness too well. And the mere fact that he's here right now, is him, being selfish.

"Do you want to know what it means to be selfish?" Hyungwon asked him.

"What?"

 _~~Stop Hyungwon.~~ _ ~~~~

Before Hyungwon can even think twice. He suddenly pulled Wonho closer to him and attached their lips together. Making the older boy gasp. And taking this opportunity to deepen the kiss.

He doesn't know if he's doing it right. It's his first time to ever kiss someone like this. But he's also too selfish to care.

He never dreamed anything like this.

 _You should never dream of any of these!_ A voice angrily said at the back of his mind. Which shocks Hyungwon and caused him to suddenly break the kiss.

"Are you okay?" Wonho asked concerned. 

 But Hyungwon only nods then said, "Yeah, sorry. Can we do it again?"

"Yeah. Sure." Wonho said smiling then slowly brings their lips together.

 _No. I'm just currently living what I think I deserve._ He replied to the voice inside his head while he continues to kiss the older boy for as long as he wants it to last.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters about Hyungwonho will disappear for a while. I will settle all of the other ships' dilemmas, first. Because I don't want you to feel that you're in a roller coaster ride if I will switch from one ship to another. 
> 
> Also, I want to focus on my main purpose as to why I created this story in the last 10 chapters of it. That is, informing everyone about DID.
> 
> WARNING: PREPARE SOME TISSUES


	24. Definitely Not

**JOOHEON'S POV**

I thought that being in this party would keep my mind off this ridiculous thing I feel. But I'm definitely not enjoying the party as I had planned to.

I'm bored and alone. This is making me not only sulk but it also forces my mind to wander to the things I'm trying to avoid.

It's only been two weeks since I broke up with Changkyun. And it's too early for me to allow these kinds of feelings to consume me. This is all Minhyuk-hyung's fault.

Curse him and his stupid sunshine smile. And curse him for choosing to spend his time right now with that Mark Tuan, instead of me.

_Argh!_

\-----

_"Great! You just arrived on time!" Jackson said sarcastically._

_When is the right time to even attend a party like this, anyway? I thought then chuckled._

_But my party mode was instantly cut short when I saw who was there standing beside him._

_"Hey." Mark greeted Minhyuk-hyung._

_And hyung suddenly perked up when he saw who it was and ran towards him and greeted him politely._

_Ugh. I still haven't even tasted alcohol and I already feel like throwing up._

_Wonho-hyung nudged me on the arm playfully then whispered in my ear, "Stop being sulky and bitter whenever you see other couples. You will age faster."_

_I glared at him but he just chuckled and shook his head. Then, he led Hyungwon inside to "show him around"._

_Who even shows people around at a house party? I thought._

_"Wonho-hyung that's who." I scoffed._

_Don't get me wrong. I like Hyungwon for him. He's gentle and patient. And that's what hyung needs as a partner because he's impatient and always act like a cry-baby._

_"What's up? Why are you suddenly acting like a baby?" Jackson asked interrupting my thoughts._

_"Why did you even invite that kid?" I asked him._

_"Who?" Jackson asked confused._

_"Mark?" He asked again when he saw the look I gave, Mark._

_"Yeah."_

_"What are you talking about? He's also our clubmate. Of course, he's going to be here."_

_That's the thing about Jackson. It doesn't matter if he knows you personally or not. You just have to be connected to him and you're good to go._

_"Why are you even calling him a kid? He's older than you." Jackson asked me._

_"If there is one thing Changkyun taught me in our relationship, it's that you never call these kinds of people 'hyung'"_

_"What kind of people?"_

_"The kind of people you hate." I simply stated._

_"So, you hate Mark?" Jackson said shocked._

_"No." I replied. "I loathe him."_

\----

You might be wondering what did Mark ever do to me. The answer is, I don't know. I think it all started when I saw him with Minhyuk-hyung, last Monday. Minhyuk-hyung was supposed to have lunch with me that day. I was waiting for him the whole time. And I was fine with waiting until I saw him coming to the school cafeteria, with Mark.

I never even got to have lunch that day.

_Curse Mark for that._

"Will you start being alone at parties, now, because you're already single?"

I glance up when I heard him talk. I could recognize that deep voice from miles away.

"Hey. Long time, no see. I guess." I said to Changkyun.

We are in one of these houses rooms and I'm sitting by the bed.

"Can I sit beside you?"

"You never had to ask me before." I said. "Go ahead. I can use some entertainment."

Changkyun scoffs and offered me a bottle of what he's drinking.

"Thanks." I said while I took the bottle from him.

"You were not that polite with me, before." He pointed out.

I sighed. "Do we compare what we used to do when we were together?"

"That actually depends. Do you still want to be friends with me?"

Changkyun knows that I know that our relationship is only innocent despite not being completely platonic. Maybe, we're meant to just love each other like what brothers do.

I shrugged then said, "Some say exes should never be your friends."

I guess, I am only saying this now to have a formality between us.

"But I do know one couple who are still very good friends despite having a past." I continued.

"So, friends, then?" He said and offered his hand for us to shake hands.

"Friends."

We talked about a lot of random things before he decided to ask, "What are doing here alone, by the way?"

"Well, I could ask you the same question. Why aren't you with Kihyun-hyung?"

Changkyun bit his lips and tried to think of what to answer, "I already confessed to him."

"Really?!"

"Yeah. Just an hour ago."

I observed him for a while.

"So, it didn't go well?" I asked with a sad tone.

It's not fake, though. I'm actually genuinely sad for him. Because if I couldn't get to end up with Changkyun, I would have at least been fine if he'll end up with Kihyun-hyung. The guy is nice.

"No." Changkyun said then sighed. "I guess, we're just meant to be best friends and nothing more."

"It's too early to say that. Do you want me to help you? We could plan something to help him fall in love with you." I said.

Changkyun chuckled. "Yeah right. What's more epic than two ex-couples being friends? It's when the ex is trying to help the other one, get together with the reason they broke up."

That made me laugh out loud and Changkyun laughed with me. It does sound weird when you say it like that.

The door suddenly opened when we were in the middle of laughing. It's Minhyuk-hyung and he's being guided by Mark, hyung's arms on the other guy's shoulder.

"Oops." Minhyuk-hyung said giggling. "Sorry! I didn't know this room was already occupied!" And then he closed the door loudly.

Changkyun and I look at each other.

"He's drunk, right?" I asked him

"Not drunk. But tipsy, yes." He said.

I suddenly stood up. "Where are you going?"

"What do you mean, where? Of course, I have to follow them."

"What?" Changkyun asked confused.

"What if Mark takes advantage of hyung because he's drunk?" I explained then quickly exited the room.

I saw them at the end of the hallway. Minhyuk-hyung is still trying to check if there are rooms available, then giggles whenever they are occupied; while Mark is struggling to keep him steady.

"Hey!" I called out then I walked straight to where they are. "Where do you think you're going?"

I forcefully grab Minhyuk-hyung from him. And then passed him to Changkyun who was also beside me. After that, I grab Mark's collar and I heard both Changkyun and Minhyuk-hyung gasped.

But I still didn't let go. And even tighten my grip on him.

"You're really getting on my nerves lately." I said while gritting my teeth.

"Jooheon, what are you talking about?" Mark said wide-eyed "I was just trying to help him, so he could get some rest!"

But I already heard this kind of excuse in movies.

"Jooheon! Let go of him! What are you doing?" Minhyuk-hyung said and he's now trying to release my hold of Mark's shirt.

Unfortunately, Jackson went upstairs and saw the scene that was happening.

"Hey! Jooheon!" He said, grabbing my arm and forcefully separated me from Mark. "What's happening here?"

"Ask him that!" Mark said to him. "I was just trying to help Minhyuk and he suddenly got angry!"

"Oh, come on. Don't try to deny it. It may seem like you're helping now. But when you get to have Minhyuk-hyung alone, you'll start playing dirty!" I said fuming with anger.

"Jooheon stop now!" The all-giggly Minhyuk-hyung is now replaced by a frowning one. "Why are you doing this?"

I ignored him and directed my words again to Mark, "Don't you think I see the looks you give Minhyuk-hyung?"

"So, this is what is this about? You're jealous?" Mark asked then chuckled.

"No, he's not!" Minhyuk-hyung suddenly interrupted.

I must really be fuming with anger because I didn't think what I said, "How do you know that?"

"WILL YOU STOP THIS ALREADY?!" Minhyuk-hyung suddenly shouted which made me take a step back. The tears in his eyes suddenly came out as sudden as his anger towards me.

_Oh no! What did I do?_

"Hyung..." I started. But he holds up his arms and looks away trying to hold his tears back.

"I'm just waiting for the right time to ask you, Jooheon." He said in almost a whisper.

"Ask me what?"

But instead of answering he just said again. "But I can't wait for you forever."

"Hyung, what are you talking about?" I asked again completely lost about the sudden twist of events that's happening.

"But I guess, seeing him with you right now, you're back together again?" He said.

And that's when it hit me.

 _Minhyuk-hyung likes me?_ I thought.

"Well, shit. What a fucking plot twist." I heard Changkyun murmured under his breath.

"Hyung, no. Let me explain." I said even though I'm not sure what I should explain. This isn't what should be happening, right now.

"No, Jooheon. It's okay." He said. "I guess, I'll just head home first."

After he said this, he turned his head and walked away.

"So, let me get this straight," Jackson said. "Minhyuk already likes you way back when you and Changkyun were still together?"

"Yes." Mark suddenly interrupted. "I actually know this because he said it to me when we were drinking in the kitchen. He likes you. Way before Changkyun was in the picture."

"Damn. For a guy who actually broke up with his ex because he's aware that he has feelings for his best friend? You're pretty dense to not be aware that your own best friend likes you." Changkyun pointed out.

"I should follow him and talk to him, right?"

And all three of them nodded at me with sympathy.

"Go get your man this time, bro!" I heard Changkyun call out while I'm trying to push through people near the exit. So, I can chase after Minhyuk-hyung.

 _That little shit. He just called his ex, bro._ I thought then chuckled despite the situation I'm about to confront.

 


	25. Never Ever

**MINHYUK’S POV**

_ Take three deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. I have to be okay at the count of three. _

When everyone around you thinks that you are always the happy person you are. It’s hard for you to show them that you are also capable of hurting inside.

When everyone around you thinks that you’re a sunshine, 24/7. It’s hard to explain to them that you also have the days when you just want to be the moon, instead. The moon that just reflects light from the sun.

I suddenly felt the teardrops dripped down my face as these words occupied my mind. I don’t want to cry but I can’t help but be sad.

I never expected that this night will end up this way. I should’ve just stayed home and practice my lines for the play like I originally planned. But Wonho said we will finally get to meet Hyungwon, so, I tagged along.

I never intended to confess to Jooheon in that way. Because I don’t want to lose him because of this. I don’t want to be awkward with him. I just want this all to be a dream, so everything would be back to normal, again.

I lightly chuckled despite myself.

This feeling is way too familiar to me. Because these are the same thoughts that were running down my head when I first had to come out to Jooheon for being gay.

\-----

_ I am standing in the middle of the bowling alley while waiting for Jooheon to arrive. I arrived thirty minutes early because I thought I could play for a bit to get the nervousness out of my system. But my hands are shaking so badly I can’t even roll the ball in the right direction. _

_ “Hyung!” I finally heard him called out. _

_ I can’t help but smile when I saw him smiling and running towards me. But I quickly became serious again when I remembered what I’m about to say. _

_ “What’s up, hyung?” He asked as we made our way to one of the benches to take a sit. _

_ Jooheon and I knew each other since he was seven and I was eight because our parents are also friends. And we’ve been friends for ten years now. So, it’s only right that he will be the first one to know about this. _

_ I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. “Jooheon, I’m saying this to you because I don’t want you to hear it from other people.” _

_ “Wow, you’re making me nervous.” He said. “You rarely talk this slow and this serious.” _

_ I smile a little bit then continued. “I know it will be hard to completely accept this and I don’t want this to be the reason for our friendship to be ruined but...” _

_ “Are you dying?” He asked. _

_ “No.” _

_ “Did you eat my favorite chocolate on the refrigerator without asking me?” _

_ I furrowed my eyebrows, “No.” _

_ “Hmm… then why would our friendship be ruined?” He asked again. _

_ “Because I’m gay.” I blurted out. _

_ Jooheon looked at me for a moment and studied me, “That’s it?” _

_ “What?” I asked, confused. “You’re not mad? Or disgusted or something?” _

_ “What?!” He said in shocked. “Why would I be mad?” _

_ “Because I turned out to be gay.” _

_ He looked at me softly. Then, he took my hand and held it gently, “Hyung, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Would you change the way you treat me after this?” _

_ “No!” I said. “I would still annoy the living shit out of you.” _

_ “Good! That’s all that matters to me. As long as you stay as my Minhyuk-hyung, I will never be mad, or be disgusted, or be something to you.” He said, sweetly. _

_ “Never?” I asked. _

_ “Never, ever.” He assured. _

_ I tried to prevent my tears from coming out. But, Jooheon was so sweet and cool about all of these, I suddenly felt ridiculous for being nervous, a while ago. _

_ “Oh! One more thing.” I said. “I actually have a crush on Wonho!” _

_ \----- _

I opened my eyes feeling someone cuddling me. I thought it would be Jooheon but…

“Wonho?” I asked in a whispered.

I remember I cried myself to sleep last night. So, my eyes hurt from crying and I feel dehydrated.

I tried to shift around slowly. But Wonho groaned in protest and tightens his hug.

“Yah! You’re suffocating me.” I said groggily.

Wonho slowly opened his eyes and loosen his grip around me.

I sit up on the edge of my bed and stayed there in silence. But I can feel Wonho’s eyes looking at me with anticipation.

 “What are you doing here?” I decided to ask after a while.

“We saw you running away, last night. So, we followed you on the way home.” He replied.

“What about Hyungwon?” I asked him.

He shrugged, “Shownu picked him up this morning.”

“Are you okay?” He asked when I didn’t say anything for a while.

I sighed, “He hates me now.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a fact that I have to live with, from now on.

There was a soft knocked that made both of us glanced at the door. It was Jooheon. He peeked at the other side of the door and asked, “Minhyuk-hyung, can we talk?”

Wonho quickly stood up and gave me a small smile before he patted my shoulders, “I guess, it’s for you to find out.”

With that, he left the room. So, Jooheon and I could be alone.

\-----

We were seated at the edge bed for more than five minutes before he finally decided to speak up, “Hyung...” he said quietly.

I closed my eyes and ready myself for the incoming rejection. But there are no words that followed after that because his lips are suddenly on my mine.

It was not a passionate one. But, rather, it was more like a pecked that lasted for a long time.

 It was unexpected, but wanted, and even though I felt every single thing while his lips were on mine, I was also full of uncertainty.

_ Was it pity? _

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him for a long time and he does the same.

“Why?” I asked him. “Did you kissed me because you think I’m pitiful?”

I can now feel the tears starting to well up around the corner of my eyes.

“Hyung no! I would never do that!

I already felt many things towards you but pity will never be one of them.” He defended.

“Why did you kiss me, then?”

“Because I like you too, okay?! I just never got to say anything about it because I thought there was still a chance that you and Wonho-hyung will get back together!”

Wonho and I have broken up for more than two years now. So, being shocked about what he just confessed to me, is an understatement.

“What? I mean, when? How long has it been?” I said, completely lost.

He bowed his head, as if, he’s embarrassed for what he’s about to say, “Who do you think made me realized I was gay, hyung?”

I thought about it for a while and then, “Me?” I asked wide-eyed. “But it has been 3 years since you came out.”

“Exactly! I like you for more than three years, now. And believe me, I really tried to forget my feelings for you because I thought you never felt the same way. I think it’s also the reason why Changkyun and I never get to be in a serious relationship because we’re stuck.

Yes, we did like each other. But we’re in love with two other different people at the same time. He can’t move on from Kihyun-hyung and I can’t move on from you.”

I took my time to process all of these. And when I did, I buried myself in the pillow and wailed. Like, really cried my eyes out.

Jooheon must have thought that I’ve gone crazy because he asked in a panicked voice, “Hyung! Are you, okay? Have I said something wrong?”

I lifted my head from the pillow and tried to make myself stop from crying.

I throw the pillow at him. “Yah! Do you know how much I suffered just because I also thought you didn’t like me back?! And it’s only been a year since I realize that I like you! But here you are confessing that you like me for three years now! I can’t even imagine how much you suffered because of me.” I rant while I still sniff and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

“Aigoo. What a cry-baby.” Jooheon said.

He moved closer to me and helped me wiped my tears away.

“I really thought you will hate me because of this.”

When I said this, he grabbed my face with both of his hands and pecked my lips repeatedly.

“I promised that I will never be mad, or be disgusted, or be something to you.” He said in between kisses.

I giggled when I heard this line. Because it became ours, four years ago. And I know I have to ask mine, too.

I looked at him and smiled then asked, “Never?”

“Never, ever.”


	26. Just Friends

**CHANGKYUN'S POV**

The Multiverse is a theory in which some scientists believe that our universe is not the only one; many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes.

In some theories, for example, there are copies of me sitting right here right now feeling the same thing in other universes and other copies of me doing other things in other universes.

Other theories contain parallel universes that are so radically different from our own that they follow entirely different fundamental laws of physics, likely collapsing or expanding so quickly that life never develops.

_And the second theory is where I want to be, right now. I just want to collapse and disappear and never exist at all._

These are all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking for the past few hours after I left the party this morning. I’m now sitting at a coffee shop, shaking from fatigue and nervousness; as my phone keeps buzzing and I stare at it blankly.

I don’t want to pick it up. First, because it’s Kihyun, who’s calling. And second, because I don’t know what to say.

The events of last night are a blur. But I wouldn’t consider all of what happened as an accident. And I certainly wouldn’t blame it all on the alcohol.

_But, shit. What if I got her pregnant?_

\----

_After Jooheon-sunbae left the scene to chase Minhyuk-hyung, I am like a kid that was lost in a crowded park._

_I don’t really know anyone who’s here. And even though I am clubmates with Jackson and Mark, we usually don’t stretch our conversation after a casual greeting._

_And now that sunbae and I broke up and Kihyun is not here to accompany me, it feels like I am a gate crasher or something._

_Sitting here on the sofa while drinking my third bottle of beer, I look like a loner._

_Until she decided to approach me._

_“Hi.” She said._

_I looked around to verify if I am really the one, she had spoken to. I pointed my finger at me and asked, “Me?”_

_She laughed and said, “Yes you, silly. Who else would it be?”_

_But the thing is, I don’t know her. She looks oddly familiar but I’m pretty sure it’s the first time we got to meet each other._

_“Do I know you?” I asked, confused._

_She scoffed._

_“Of course not. I just approached you because you look like a loner.” Then, she quickly added, “No, offense. I am a loner, too.”_

_I studied her silently._

_She has medium-length dark brown hair with dark brown eyes; fair skin and sweet smile. Her beauty may not be the face that would launch a thousand ships, and burnt the topless towers of Ilium. But she would be the kind of girl that would make you regret why you didn’t love her earlier than you first met her._

_I shook my head. What am I thinking?_

_“You don’t want to be bothered?” She said when I still haven’t said anything._

_“No,” I said. “I mean, that’s not what I mean. I just, hello…”_

_What? Lim Changkyun you’ve got to be kidding me. I said to myself._

_She giggled. “You’re cute. But I just broke up with my ex.”_

_“You’re cute, too. I mean, yeah, I just broke up with my ex, too.”_

_She looked at me in shock and held both of her hands in her chest dramatically, “Is this what fate is like?”_

_She was just joking and I know it. But I still replied, “Well, it could be, but I’m gay.”_

_And this time she looked genuinely shocked, “So, your ex is a boy?”_

_I shrugged. “Yes.”_

_“And you like boys?” She asked again._

_“Yes.”_

_“And you don’t find me pretty?”_

_I paused. Well, I did find her pretty but does that mean I like her?_

_“No,” I replied._

_“What do you mean, no?” She said furrowing her eyebrows, curiously._

_“No,” I said again._

_She sighed. “Such a shame.”_

_I looked at her amused. “What?”_

_“Nothing.” She said. “But we could still be friends, yeah?”_

_“Yeah,” I replied._

_Friends._

_We were supposed to be just friends. But after two more bottles of beer and three shots of vodka, I’m already kissing this friend._

_I don’t know what made me do it. Is it really because I find her pretty? Or is it because her knowledge about quantum physics amazed me?_

_But I was not thinking any of those questions as my lips find hers and my hands caressed the smooth skin of her cheeks._

_And before I know it, I am back in the room where my ex and I had previously talked. But this time, I’m with a stranger and I’m undressing her. I know this shouldn’t happen but I can’t bring myself to stop. Every moan that escaped from her mouth was like me escaping from my own reality._

_And I needed to escape it, badly._

\----

I thought that what happened between us would be a great distraction from what I will be facing when I will finally be back in the apartment. But I got into serious trouble, instead.

I can’t even remember what happened after we’ve reached the bed and I started kissing her neck and undressing the both of us. I can’t even remember her name. Or if we really had sex.

 _All I know is that I’m seriously fucked._ No pun intended.

But the worst thing that I could possibly do is left her behind the next day but, I did. I woke up and panicked. I was surprised that there was a girl beside me and I’m half-naked.

I didn’t know what I should do. So, I did what I do best. I escaped. I ran into the farthest café I can think of where I know she couldn’t find me.

But I feel bad now.

 _I shouldn’t have done that._ I said to myself.

My phone started ringing again. And an old woman already gave me a dirty look so I had no choice but to finally pick it up.

“OMG, you answered!” Kihyun screamed at the other line. “Yah! Do you know how many times I called you! I didn’t know where you’ve gone and you’re not answering your call!”

At first, I was annoyed at how much he nagged at me. But then, I realized that the sound of his voice sounded like he had been crying.

“Were you crying?” I asked.

I heard a sniffing sound then he replied, “Of course! I thought my best friend was missing and I don’t know whom to call!”

“It’s okay Kihyun. I’m fine.” I said trying to calm him down even though I needed to calm down, myself.

“Are you really okay? You don’t sound like it.” He asked.

I sighed. I don’t know how he does it. But he always knows when I’m not okay or I’m in trouble.

“Can you pick me up?” I told him instead. “I’m at the coffee shop near our apartment.”

“Okay.” He replied. “Give me five minutes.”

And true to his words he was already there within 5 minutes. He searched for me even before he opened the door of the café and immediately sat beside me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked after studying me for a second.

And then he turned more serious. “Is it because of what we talked about last night? Is it because of me?” He asked again.

“No,” I replied. “I mean, it could be a part of it but Kihyun what do I do?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, confused.

So, I told him what happened or what I remembered happened.

“Shit.” He said after I’ve finished my story. “Are you sure you really had sex with her?”

“I’m not sure if we did it. But I’m also not sure if we didn’t.” I replied completely helpless.

He was silent for a while, an indication he was thinking hard. And then finally asked, “How long does it take for a woman to know she is pregnant?”

“Well, it typically takes 14 days for hormonal signs of pregnancy to occur. So, A woman can find out if she is pregnant by taking a pregnancy test after her period is late.” I answered.

“Ugh! You’re smart enough to know this but not enough to use a condom?” He asked frustrated.

I glared and frowned at him.

“Anyway,” He continued. “At least we still have two weeks before we got to know if she is pregnant or not. But what we need to know now is who is she and if she at least remembered what happened.”

“I doubt she’s still at Jackson’s house. It’s already noon. I think she already woke up.” I said.

Kihyun sighed. “I bet she’s also sad that she was left behind by a guy she thought she’s meant to be with.”

“Did you know that she has a lot of knowledge about quantum physics?” I said suddenly remembering her talking about how the Avengers: End Game used quantum physics to turn back time and how they completely debunked the grandfather paradox.

Kihyun raised his eyebrows. “Hmm. Interesting.” He commented.

“Interesting, indeed!” I somehow forgot the situation I am in and full-on blabbered about this girl. “I never met someone so knowledgeable about science, before! And the way she talks is like how my father talks about work. And I already told you that my role model is my father, right? So, it’s really amazing that I got to meet her.”

Kihyun only smirked at me.

“What?” I asked.

“We definitely need to find out who this girl is.” He said as he continued to give me a small smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Last week, I entered this book on wattpad to be one of the nominees for WATTY's 2019. It would be a great help if y'all read my book on wattpad and leave a comment and vote there, as well.
> 
> ****  
> [HERE](https://www.wattpad.com/story/182476577-voice-2won-hyungwonho-wattys-2019?utm_source=web&utm_medium=email&utm_content=share_info)  
>  is the link so you will be directed to wattpad.
> 
> Your continuous support gives me the motivation to write. So, thank you so much and I love y'all.


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